 Funny Beer Jokes and Stories
A Keg Party with Lots of Jokes on Tap
Cheers, I'll Drink To That
Whether your beverage of choice comes from a six-pack, a wine box or an aged oak barrel, you're here for some fun. Cheers, mates! And remember to laugh responsibly!
DRINKING New Warning on Beer Cans
They say government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine
and liquor. Well, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath
that could knock a buzzard off a trash truck at 100 yards.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
jerk.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
story over and over again until your friends want to put a sock in your
mouth.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay things like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you
REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck
ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you
can't remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burn on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, more handsome, and smarter than some really, really, really big
biker guy named "Big Al."
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space
continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to
literally disappear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
Beer, it's not just for breakfast anymore.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
If You Drink, Don't Park. Accidents Cause People.
A MILITARY MADNESS
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their
parents
to
tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids
came back and 1 by 1 began to tell their stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot
in
Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a
survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't
break
and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy
troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,
killed
four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed
the
last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did
your
daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the f... away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking!"
Everyone should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink.
They talk of my drinking but never my thirst.
Scottish proverb
Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.W.C. Fields
One more drink and I'll be under the host. Dorothy Parker
I drink to make other people more interesting.George Jean Nathan
One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.Nancy, Lady Astor (1879-1964)
Inflation has gone up over a dollar a quart.W.C. Fields
Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living.Jean Kerr
I drink no more than a sponge.Rabelais (1494-1553)
Hey, you're laughing like a fool. If you keep that up, they're going to want to put us all on medication. And you can't drink on medication.
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