Cheap Jokes. Outrageous Jokes
With Funny Pictures !!
Sign in a laundrymat: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
Why, why, why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?
If we built our buildings the same way we build our software, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
Cheap Hoops Humor
Eight signs your basketball team won't win the NCAA Championship
- Your power forward was featured on Ricki Lake's "Too Fat to Love?" episode.
- Whenever your guard does a layup, he burns his arm on his cigarette.
- The Las Vegas odds against your team involve the sign for infinity.
- The players refuse to guard the other team because they're all "icky and sweaty."
- Jesse Jackson is protesting your team for being "too white."
- They have to inform the press repeatedly that the correct term is "little people", not "midgets."
- The only thing Dick Vitale can think to say about your team is, "These guys got a good grade point average, Baby!"
- Your team is Kansas or Syracuse.
A Very Cheap Bird JokeÖ
A woman went to a pet shop and spotted a beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that read $50.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of ill-repute, and sometimes he says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room. Then it looked at her and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked but thought, "That's not so bad."
When her two daughters returned from school, the parrot looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new hookers." The mother and daughters just laughed.
She began to think about how to explain this to her husband, Keith.
Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. Before he had time to close the door, the bird took one look at him and said, "Hi, Keith."
Thirteen Signs That Your Health Plan Is a Cheap Joke
- You must use pedal powered dialysis machines.
- Use of antibiotics is classified as an "unauthorized experimental procedure."
- The exam room has a tip jar.
- You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
- The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
- Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
- Radiation treatment requires walking around with a postcard from Chernobyl in your pocket.
- Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
- The preprinted prescription pads say, "Walk it off, sissy pants."
- Your Primary Care Physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
- The expensive MRI equipment was replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.
- The 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK.
FREE ADVICE and Cheap Jokes
Do not drop your cigarette butts on the ground. The chipmunks come out of the bushes to smoke them and we are trying to get them to quit.
It's not a whim anymore if you put on clean underwear. - Barney Fife
Kentucky and Tennessee both claim me. Kentucky claims I'm from Tennessee and Tennessee claims I'm from Kentucky.
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Scientists report that dust is composed primarily of human skin cells.
If this is true, I think there may be a naked man behind my sofa.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a workstation.
How do you double the value of a Yugo?
Fill it with gas.
I can see why fans don't like to watch pro basketball. I don't either. It's not exciting. -Larry Bird
My seven-year-old niece went fishing with her grandpa.
After an hour or so, Grandpa asked, "Are you having any luck?"
"No!" she replied indignantly. "I don't think my worm is really trying."
For Cheap Jokes on the Golf Course
The Complete Book of Golf
How to properly line up Your Fourth Putt
How I Hit a Nike from the Rough, When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee
How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker
When to Give the Ranger the Finger
Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
When to Implement Handicap Management
Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9am
How to Rationalize a 6-Hour Round
How to Find That Ball That Everyone Saw Go in the Water
Why Your Spouse doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th
How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome
How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee
When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt
Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?
Why Golfers Pay $5.00 for a Beer From the Cart Girl, And Would Pay More
FREE Cheap Jokes and Worth Every Penny
I used to care, but now I take a pill for that.
Support BINGO and keep Grandma off the streets.
Seen on a T-shirt:
If you were any more pointless, you'd be a circle.
I brake for Hobbits.
Sometimes you get. And sometimes you get got.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Seen on a Baby's Bib:
Johnny, why can't you be good?
I'll be good for a quarter.
Why son, when I was YOUR age, I was good for nothing!"
Oh my gosh, I almost ran over a man from Miami!
How do you know he was from Miami?
He kept screaming something that sounded like "Sunny beaches!"
Why did the muscular chicken cross the road?
He heard that John Chaney was calling hard fowls.
What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom?
He's a real fun guy (fungi)."
Romance is a Cheap Joke
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed per passionately for several minutes and sat her back down.
Afterwards, the wife sat there, speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.
The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at lest twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
More Thrilling Cheap Jokes
Which Search Engine does Arnold Schwarzenegger use?
Alta Vista baby.
In fact, this was the first sporting event in history where the nosebleed seats were down in front. - Jay Leno referring to the Pacers-Pistons brawl.
Tickets to NBA Basketball Game: $4100
Cup of Beer: $4.60
Look on fan's face about to meet NBA player he just threw beer on: Priceless
Note on the refrigerator:
The proctologist called. They found your head.
I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.
Wife is reading "What Women Want".
Husband grabs book out of her hand.
Wife: What are you doing!?
Husband. Making sure they spelled my name right.
Itís All Funny Business But It Pays to Advertise
Outside a muffler shop:
No appointment necessary, we hear you coming.
Outside a hotel:
Help! We need inn-experienced people.
On a receptionist's desk:
We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
In a veterinarianís waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
At the electric company:
We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.
Sign on dairy truck:
From Moo to You In an Hour or Two
In a restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.
Inside a bowling alley:
Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
In the front yard of a funeral home:
Drive carefully, we'll wait.
In a counselor's office:
Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional.
On the gym door:
Come in and shoo the fat.
Talk is a Cheap Joke
I'm the best decision this organization has ever made. - Patriot quarterback Tom Brady after being drafted by New England.
So you desire to become my son-in-law?
No. But if I marry your daughter, I don't see any way out of it.
Police academy instructor:
What would you do to break up a hostile crowd?
Announce that I am taking up a collection.
Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand. - Benny Hill
Ms. Smith, get my broker on the phone.
Yes sir! Stock or pawn?
Sorry, Missus, your husband fell into a vat of beer.
But did he go quickly?
Well, no. He got out at least three times to go to the bathroom.
Cheap Donkey Joke
A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died."
"Well then, just give me my money back."
"I can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"Ok. then. Just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with him?
"I'm gonna raffle him off."
"Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey1"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 apiece and made a profit of $898."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back."
I wish you much success in life. I hope you have a very happy day.