Clean Funny Sex Jokes
Sex is a Touchy Subject
So We Took a Hands-On Approach

Jennifer: Sex is the most fun you can have without smiling.

Harry: Sex drive is a physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.

Justin: If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Justin: Rodney Dangerfield said that.

Larry: Sex is nobody's business except the three people involved.

Harry: My sexual preference is Often.

Georgia: What men want is a virgin who is a whore.

Britney: Even in civilized mankind, faint traces of monogamous instinct can be perceived. Bertrand Russell said that.

Georgia: Mae West said, I only like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign.

Harry: Sex: It's for married couples, too.

Georgia: When we were kids, the worst thing you could get from the opposite sex was cooties.

Jennifer: If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

Justin: Women are like telephones. They love to be talked to. They love to be held. But if you push the wrong button, you're disconnected.

Britney: Learn from your parents' mistakes... use birth control.

Harry: I'm not bald. My head is a solar panel for my sex machine.

Georgia: They that marry where they do not love, will love where they do not marry. Thomas Fuller said that.

Justin: Who's Thomas Fuller?

Britney: When you really want love, you will find it waiting for you.

Britney: Oscar Wilde said that.

Larry: I don't need therapy. I need pizza, beer and sex.

Larry: Here's to those who love us,
And here's to those who don't,
A smile for those who are willing to,
And a tear for those who won't.

Georgia: Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Justin: Because they have cotton balls.

Larry: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

Harry: Are you sure it's mine?

Harry: What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Georgia: Beer Nuts are $1.69, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Britney: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Larry: Breasts don't have eyes.

More Clean Funny Sex Jokes

Justin: In Redneck schools, why do drivers education classes use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?

Britney: Because on Tuesdays and Thursdays, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Georgia: Love involves a peculiar unfathomable combination of understanding and misunderstanding.

Jennifer: Electrolux, the Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used the following in an American ad campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

Harry: There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

Georgia: There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Larry: As I've matured, I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

Justin: My ex'es have taught me some lessons. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

Britney: I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

Amber: I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

Justin: I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

Larry: I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

Georgia: I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

Larry: I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

Britney: I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

Jennifer: I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

Harry: The best way to have the last word is to apologize.

Georgia: There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

Larry: I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

Justin: I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Georgia: I want to get married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Jennifer: Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Larry: Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Jennifer: Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Amber: I am not HORNY - I am SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

Larry: I'm too sexy for my shirt.

Britney : Why is air a lot like sex?

Larry: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Harry: It's better to have loved and lost than to live with the psycho the rest of your life.

Britney: When I married Mr. Right, I didn't know his first name was Always.

Georgia: Men..One size doesn't fit all.

Jennifer: Men..Only chocolate clings tighter to your thighs.

Georgia: Men...One inch does not equal a mile.

Larry: Here I am. What are your other two wishes?

Harry: Medical Alert - Severe allergy to chick flicks.

Georgia: I've got The Official Bitch Card...Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented, Cunning, Horny

More Clean Funny Sex Jokesand One-Liners

Amber: Pipers do it with Amazing Grace.

Larry: Poets make better lays.

Justin: Foreplay... it felt like it lasted longer than most leases.

Harry: Up to NO good.

Larry: I Apologize for my Future Actions.

Justin: Roses are Red. Violets are blue. Your sister said no, so I’ll settle for you.

Larry: Was that an earthquake or did I just rock your world?

Jennifer: I think I could fall madly in like with you.

Larry: Hi. You’ll Do.

Britney: The proctologist called.. they found your head.

Larry: That was you?

Larry: Nerds have big hard drives.

Britney: The best way to behave is not to behave.

Georgia: Good girl gone bad.

Larry: I’d look great on you.

Georgia: Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Larry: It’s better on top.

Jennifer: Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

Larry: Sleeps well with others.

Britney: My favorite sex position is "awake".

Justin: Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."

Harry: WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Amber: Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

Britney: A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check for tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Harry: Smarty Pants.

Georgia: Darn that was fun.

Justin: Why is divorce so expensive?

Larry: Because it's worth it.

Justin: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Larry: Doughnuts.

Harry: What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

Larry: 45 lbs.

Georgia: What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

Britney: 45 minutes.

Georgia: Why do men want to marry virgins?

Amber: They can't stand criticism.

Jennifer: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Harry: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Amber : What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

Georgia: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Britney: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

Larry :The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Justin: A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?

Harry: The blonde, because she's 18.

Point taken Clickin' gits 'er big.

My money's on her. Clickin' gits 'er big.

Britney: Practice Safe Sex. Go Screw Yourself.

Justin: Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?

Larry: To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.

Justin: Don't Be Sexist --- Broads Hate That.

Harry: Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. Rod Stewart said that.

Georgia: Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

Harry: Bigamy is having one husband or wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Justin: Oscar Wilde said that.

Harry: Why should I buy the cow when I've got the milk?

Jennifer: And why should I buy the whole pig just to get a little sausage?

Amber: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Harry: Just two, but how they got in there beats me.

Larry: Beauty is only a light switch away.

Justin: Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

More Clean Funny Sex Jokes

Harry: No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her.

Georgia: No wonder you always go home alone.

Amber: All I know is, if it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

Britney: If someone had told me years ago that sharing a sense of humor was so vital to partnerships, I could have avoided a lot of sex!

Harry: If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

Justin: The sex organ on a male spider is located at the end of one of its legs.

Georgia: Law school is the opposite of sex. Even when it's good it's lousy.

Harry: A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Britney: My boyfriend wanted me to pose nude for him. I told him no, I'm not a model. He said, that's okay, I'm not an artist either.

Georgia: My husband was reading a sex manual. He asked me, "Are you the opposite sex, or am I?"

Amber: Anyone who eats three meals a day should understand why cookbooks outsell sex books three to one.

Jennifer: Joan Rivers said this. A woman had a crush on a guy. She wanted to see him so bad, she kept walking her dog back and forth, back and forth, in front of his house. She did it so many times, she finally killed the tree.

Georgia: A guy was dating a blonde. He was embarrassed to tell his girlfriend that he was seeing a psychiatrist. But she didn't care. She was seeing a psychiatrist, too, and two plumbers, a bartender and a butcher.

Britney: Take my heart! Take my lips! Take my arms.

Harry: There you go again, keeping the best parts for yourself.

Georgia: She is an admitted bisexual. Whoever would buy her things, like a car or jewelry, could be sexual with her.

Britney: A man forgot the time and kept playing cards until 3:00 a.m. when he realized he was supposed to have taken his wife to the theater the evening before. He called her, and said, "Dont pay the ransom, honey. I'm safe!"

Justin: Donald Trump came home early one morning. He was getting undressed when his wife said, "Where are your shorts?" Donald said, "My God, I've been robbed."

Georgia: It was a successful date. No weapons were fired, no lawsuits were filed, and everyone had pretty good hygiene.

Jennifer: Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex has more sense.

Larry: Which one??

Harry: Georgia ran around quite a bit while she was single. When she got married, her friends threw wild rice.

Georgia: It doesn’t count if you haven’t been caught.

Larry: I'm not Mr. Right, but would you settle for Mr. Right Now?

Justin: Ogden Nash said this. Incompatibility can be a good thing in a marriage, if he's got income and she's pattable.

Harry: I'm here to give you super sex.

Georgia: Forget the sex. I'll take the soup.

Amber: A sex therapist asked the alien, " Do you smoke after sex?" The alien replied, " I don't know. I never looked."

Georgia: Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

Justin: Forbidden fruits create many jams.

Georgia: Ben Franklin said this. When there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.

Jennifer: You've got a fur coat? Yucky. How many animals did you have to kill to get that coat?

Britney: Not as many as I had to sleep with to get it.

Larry: It's the Chinese New Year. How was last year for you?

Amber: The Year of the Cock? Oh, it's always been good to me.

Britney: All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed.

Harry: I think we're done here. Was it as good for you as it was for me?

I wish you much success in life. I hope you have a very happy day.

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