Sex is a Touchy Subject
So We Took a Hands-On Approach
Cute and Sexy Jokes About SexWe managed to keep this pretty clean
but you've been warned.
 Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill
The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex. The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.
They're going to be called....
"Pre-dick-a-mints."
George Simenon wrote 420 novels in his lifetime, including the Inspector Maigret series. He could run off a novel in 25 hours. But what Simenon bragged about most in his memoirs was that he made love to 10,000 women in his lifetime. We marvel at his stamina, literary and otherwise.
Glenda Jackson: The important thing in acting is to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. If I have to laugh, I think of my sex life.
Gloria Steinem: A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after.
You know you're getting old when your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love." and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
You know you're over the hill when getting "lucky" means you remember where you left your car in the parking lot.
A man went to his rabbi and said "I have fifteen children. Rabbi, what should I do? The rabbi says "Haven't you done enough?"
I've learned....That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
Two women were sitting on the front porch of the farm house when they saw a rooster chasing a hen. The hen ran straight into the road and was killed by a passing car. One of the women sighed, "How beautiful. She'd rather die."
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Because Mace will do that to you.
California's marriage and divorce laws are really easy. You don't have to file nothing. In fact, all you have to do is pay a small amusement tax. Will Rogers said that.
TV Interviewer: That's a huge, gorgeous diamond ring you're wearing. It's almost as large as the Hope diamond.
Gorgeous model: This is the Rabinowitz diamond. You know, all big jewels carry a curse with them. And the curse that goes with this diamond is Mr. Rabinowitz.
Gene Autry: Until I quit making movies, most fans thought dance hall girls actually danced.
Dorothy Parker: She speaks six languages, and can't say no in any of them.
Yves Montand: A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After that, it's cheating.
 Sexual Excuses
How to get out of doing it
Feel Free to Use As Needed
It's Fallen and it Can't get Up.
I'm Too low on Octane and too Full of Gas.
I'd Rather Be Nappping.
I Don't Remember How to Do It.
My head Makes Promises My body Can't Keep.
I'm Too Busy Channel Surfing.
The Parts That aren't Hurting aren't Working.
I'm All Out of Stiffy Pills.
My Get Up and Go Got Up and Went.
I Might Hurt Myself.
The Only Thing That'll Be stiff Tonight Is My Back.
Oh, I Already Did That Last Year.
I'm Afraid I Might Break it.
The Oldest Rookie.
It's Too Much Work and I'm Retired.
Not Tonight, It's Past My Bedtime.
Sorry, I have a Headache.
Where There's a Will... title="cute and sexy jokes about sex"
One day, Farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: How to carry all of his purchases home?
The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1520 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get into the alley you won't ravish me?"
The farmer said, "Holy shit, lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in God's name could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The little old lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
Quickies
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Dorothy Parker got lonely at work, so she put a sign up on her office door that said "Men." She said a lot of them showed up, but they always seemed to be in a hurry.
Johann Sebastian Bach didn't spend all his time on music. He fathered twenty children while fiddling with the harpsichord, playing the church organ and composing.
At her shower, Madonna told her boyfriend everything about the former men in her life. One of the guests remarked, "What candor! What truthfulness! What a memory!"
Dear Abby: I am nineteen years old, and I stayed out all night. My mother objects. Did I do wrong?
Dear Abby wrote back: "Try to remember."
Edna O'Brien: I did not sleep. I never do when I am over-happy, over-unhappy, or in bed with a strange man.
Row, Row, Row Your Boat
The Rotary Club asked a minister to come and talk to them about sex. The minister had never talked about sex before an audience and he was embarrassed, so he told his wife he was going to talk about boating. A couple days later, a Rotarian bumped into the minister's wife and he said, "Your husband gave a wonderful talk at the Rotary Club." She said, "You know, I'm really surprised. He's only done it twice. The first time, he got seasick. The second time, his hat blew off."
Cute and Sexy Jokes
Eighty-five year old woman: I'm going to marry a twenty-five year old man.
Her daughter: Mom these May and December romances, it could be fatal, you know.
The mother: So, if he dies, he dies.
American show girl Carol Gale initiated a malpractice suit after a plastic surgeon accidentally injected her with Silly Putty instead of silicone. Carol claimed that overnight she went from a 34B to a 42 long. - Dick Martin told that one.
Fertile Myrtle
Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming
in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.
Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry ya
two years ago?"
She replied "Aye, that you did, Father."
"And be there any little ones yet?"
"No, not yet, Father," said she.
"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week. I'll light a candle fer ya."
Oh, thank ya, Father." And away she went.
Some years later they met again. "Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"
"Oh, very well," said she.
"And tell me," he said, "Have you any little ones yet?"
"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - oh yes, ten in all."
"Now isn't that wonderful!" he said. "And how is your wonderful husband?"
"Oh," she said, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer' fookin' candle."
I think we're done here. Was it as good for you as it was for me?
I hope life brings you much success.
I wish you a very happy day.
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