Funny Drinking Jokes
Jokes about Beer, Wine and Whiskey
Bartender, a round for everyone because I'm buying tonight.
Make mine a double with a chaser of chuckles
Late at night, when we walked home from a tavern called Mother's, after a live jazz session, we would all join arms and sing this song. It dates back to medieval England, and goes like this.
(Chorus) Landlord, fill the flowing bowl
Until it doth run over.
For tonight we'll merry, merry be,
And tomorrow we'll be sober.
(First Verse) The man who drinks strong ale
And goes to bed quite mellow
Lives as he ought to live
And dies a happy fellow.
(Second Verse) The man who drinks no ale
And goes to bed quite sober
Fades as the lily fades
And dies the next October.
What's Your Poison? Drink It Up
There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn’t move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.
The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man crying.”
“No, it’s not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me.”
He continued, “When I left work and went to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.”
“I got home only to find my wife in bed with the mailman. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison.”
Drowning in My Drink
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true." The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian's turn. He did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka. The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool. The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "S**#*!!!....."
Lesson: Think twice before you say something, because sometimes accidents do happen.
Bartender, There's a Fly in My Drink
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each orders a pine of Guinness.
Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in the glass, pinches the offending fly between his fingers and shakes him, all the while yelling, “Spit it out, ye little bugger! Spit it out!”
Bar Fight Breaks Out
Into a Belfast Pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’s just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.
“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.
“Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy.
“That little sod, O’Conner?” says Sean. “He couldn’t do that to you. He must have had something in his hand.”
“That he did,” says Paddy. A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he game me with it.”
“Well, says Sean, “you should have defended yourself! Didn’t you have anything in your hand?”
“That I did, that I did,” said Paddy. “T’was Mrs. O’Conner’s right breast. A thing of beauty it was, but absolutely useless in a fight!”
Hard Drinking Texans Versus the Irish
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.
He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later, the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the should. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “if ya don’t mind me asking, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”
If Walmart Made Wine
Coming soon, a new discount item, Wal-Mart’s own private label wine!
The discount chain will be producing its own private label wine at prices you can afford! Let’s help them out. Here are some suggestions for naming this fine new drink.
- White Trashfindel
- Big Red Gulp
- Grape Expectations
- Chef Boyardeaux
- Peanut Noir
- Chateau de Moines
- I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!
- World Championship Riesling
- Sam’s Shiraz
- And for those special occasions
You Drink, But I Forgive You
Jack Wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces his eyes open and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table, and next to them, a single rose!
Jack looks around and sees his clothing all clean and pressed and the room in perfect order, as is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. He notices a note on the table, “Honey, breakfast is on the stove. Love you!”
He goes to the kitchen and there is breakfast and the newspaper. His son is at the table, eating. Jack asks, “What happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after 3 am drunk and out of your mind. You broke furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into a door.”
“So, why is everything in such perfect order, and I have a rose, and breakfast waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, lady, I’m married!’ “
Jokes About Beer, Wine and Whiskey
Bartender: Your wife will probably hit the ceiling when you get home!
Drunk: I know. She’s a lousy shot.
Sign in a bar: If you’re drinking to forget, pay in advance.
Question: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: Thirty. Two to hold the light bulb, and 28 to drink until the room starts spinning.
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - beer in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." -- Henny Youngman
Does Drink Cause Arthritis?
A drunk man, who smelled like beer, sat down on a subway set next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest replied, “My son, it’s caused by loose living; being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of bathing.”
The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be darned,” then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized, “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
Why We Drink Beer
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Bottoms up. Cheers, y'all...
I hope life brings you much success.
I wish you a very happy day.