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funny things dads say

Funny Things Dads Say
Fathers Say The Darndest Things


Dad's always saying funny things. He doesn't even know how funny he is. He's always giving advice when we don't want it. He could have been a comedian if he wanted. But instead, he's waiting at home. Home. Home is the place where when you have to go there, they have to take you in.

funny things dads sayFunny Things Dads Say


Look for it with your eyes, not your mouth.

You couldn't track an elephant in ten feet of snow.

You need your tongue scraped.

Ask your mother.

The best way to double your money is to fold it and stick it in your pocket.

You can't have a champagne budget with a beer income.

It's not how much money you make, it's how much money you save.

Try to imagine how little I care.

I knew a guy who got his head shot off and never said a word, so stop your complaining.

Don't save anything you don't understand.

Life gets better every day, if you let it.

funny things dads sayAnother Round of Funny Things Dads Say


The City of Happiness is in the State of Mind.

You're not late if you can hold your breath that long.

Don't worry about the mule going blind. You just hold the line.

Measure once, cut twice. Measure twice, cut once.

The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they're too strong to be broken.

Always carry your driver's license with you. It will make it easier for the police to identify your body.

Don't make me stop this car.

The car is not a playground.

Don't wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty, but the pig likes it better.

As long as your feet are under my supper table, you'll follow my rules.

No matter what happens, you can always come home.

If you drive up to our house, park in the driveway and honk the horn, you better be delivering a pizza because you won't be taking out my daughter.

Do you think I'm a millionaire?

Fair!? You want fair?? Fair's where you take the cows and hogs and get blue ribbons.

Only by iteration and reiteration can an alien concept be forced on a reluctant mind.

I'd rather thank you than spank you.

I'm not yelling at you. I'm helping you hear.

If you don't use your head, you might as well have feet at both ends.

You only go around once on the carousel of life. So, you might as well enjoy the ride.

God gave you two ears and two eyes and only one mouth. if you see and hear twice as much as you say, you'll learn something.

funny things dads say
Do You Believe
All the Funny Things Dads Say


There's always a first time.

You're thinking from the neck down.

Life is eternal vigilance.

If you don't want people to push your buttons, don't stick them out.

Let the saw do the work.

Go wash your upper lip.

CAN'T died in the poorhouse.

You are a peach among pears.

Elope. It's cheaper.

Always vote first thing in the morning, because, if during the day you step off the curb and get hit by a car, your vote still counts.

Don't shake your head like there is nothing in it.

Your mother is right even when she is wrong.

Every word that falls from my lips is a pearl of perfect wisdom.

If I tell you a chicken can pull a railcar, then you better hook him up.

funny things dads sayFunny Things Dads Say
Do You Remember These?


Do you want to end up like those people?

Have a good time and keep a lock on your zipper.

Poor planning and lack of forethought on your part do not constitute an emergency on my part.

Do what you're told or I'll make you walk down the river until your hat floats.

Just remember, you can always walk out.

Shut that door. Do you wanna heat the whole town?

Right to tight and left to loose.

How did my day go? It didn't go. I had to push it.

Who died and left you boss?

Go outside and get the stink blown off you.

I hate the word HATE.

Good night. I love you, and I'll see you in the morning.

Never speak ill of the Dad.


I hope life brings you much success.
I wish you a very happy day.

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