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Funny Blonde Jokes, Blonde Quotes and Humor

Whether your hair is brown, black, red or blonde, you're gonna laugh at these outrageously funny blonde jokes, blonde quotes and humor. You've gotta love blondes, because they are just so entertaining. There's a little bit of blonde in all of us. No hard feelings, y'all. Blondes RULE !!

The Boss interviewed the blonde for a job.
He asked, "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The blonde said, "Everything but my earrings."
The blonde couldn't find a Christmas tree in the woods.
So she said, "The next tree we see, we'll cut it down whether it's decorated or not."
A diet doctor told the blonde to eat for two days, then skip a day, and repeat.
Next week he asked her how the diet was going.
"All right," she said, "but I'm so tired from all the skipping."
The blonde said, "My new thermos keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
Her boss asked, "What's in it?"
She said, "Two popsicles and some coffee."
A blonde looked into a mirror.
She said, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The other blonde grabbed the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!"
A blonde calls Delta Airlines.
She asks, "How long is it to fly from LA to NYC?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute."
"Thanks," the blonde says, and hangs up
A Blonde went alligator hunting so she could get a pair of alligator shoes for free.
When she caught an alligator, she looked at its feet and said, "Heck, this one's barefoot, too."
Blonde Betty was caught without earmuffs during a sudden cold snap, but managed to improvise with an old padded bra.
The Blonde locked her keys in the car.
So she broke open the door.
She said, "Darn, I had to. It was going to rain and the top was down."
The Professor asked, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
The blonde student asked, "Is it on or off?"
How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.
Blonde Betty said, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Funny Blonde Jokes. She Was SO Blonde

She was SO Blonde... She told me to meet her at the corner of 'WALK ' and 'DON'T WALK.'

She was SO Blonde... She tripped over a cordless phone.

She was SO Blonde... She studied for a blood test.

She Was SO Blonde... She sent a fax with a stamp on it.

She Was SO Blonde... She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

She was SO Blonde... At the bottom of the job application where it says SIGN HERE she wrote SAGITTARIUS.

She was SO Blonde... She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She was SO Blonde... She thought General Motors was in the army.

She was SO Blonde... She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

She was SO Blonde... She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center

She was SO Blonde... Where the job application ask for Education, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She was SO Blonde... She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."

She was SO Blonde... She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was SO Blonde... She studied for a blood test.

She was SO Blonde... She sold the car for gas money.

She was SO Blonde... When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.

She was SO Blonde... When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She was SO Blonde... When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

She was SO Blonde... She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

She was SO Blonde... She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

She was SO Blonde... She had a shirt that said 'TGIF,' which she thought stood for 'This Goes In Front.'

She was SO Blonde... She thought Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company

She was SO Blonde... She called me to get my phone number.

She was SO Blonde... She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

She was SO Blonde... She tried to drown a fish.

She was SO Blonde... She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

She was SO Blonde... She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She was SO Blonde... She couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

She was SO Blonde... She got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months. The box said "2 to 4 years".

She was SO Blonde... She couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

She was SO Blonde... When asked what the capital of California was, she answered "C".

She was SO Blonde... She baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125 pounds.

She was SO Blonde... When she lost a breaststroke swimming competition, she complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

She was SO Blonde... She refused to ride in the top of a double decker bus. "I want to ride downstairs, because they've got a driver!"

Funny Blonde Jokes and Quotes
Questions and Blonde Answers

Question: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
Answer: Is it mine?

Question: What do you call a smart blonde?
Answer: A golden retriever.

Question: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
Answer: To see what was on the other side.

Question: What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
Answer: The 2003 World Hide and Seek Champion !!

Question: How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
Answer: Shine a flashlight into her ear !!

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

A blonde asked her friend for help with a jigsaw puzzle.
She said, "It's supposed to be a rooster, like the picture on the box."
The friend said, "This is a box of Corn Flakes."

It's not politically correct to call her a "DUMB BLONDE".

Funny Blonde Jokes, Quotes and Humor
The Blonde Always Gets the Punch Line

One blonde asked another blonde, "Which is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde said "Duuh, can you see Florida ?"

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

Blonde Betty went to buy stamps.
"What denomination?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens, has it come to this?" said Betty.
"Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist."

Tom hired a BLONDE to paint his porch.
When she finished, she asked for her money.
She said, By the way, it's not a Porch. It's a LEXUS !

The blonde tried to fly a helicopter, but she crashed.
They asked her why.
She said, "I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

Blonde Betty's house was robbed. The K9 police came with their dog.
Betty cried, "I asked for help, and they send a BLIND policeman."

The professor asked Blonde Bambi what Roe vs Wade was about.
She said, "George Washington decides to cross the Delaware."

A blonde was speeding down the highway and knitting at the same time.
The cop yelled "PULL OVER."
"NO," yelled the blonde. "IT'S A SCARF."

Blonde Bob came to my desk at work and asked, "How do I set the laser printer to stun?"

When the blonde found out her boyfriend cheated on her, the blonde put a gun to her head.
The boyfriend yelled, "Honey, don't do it."
She says, "Shut up, you're next!"

A blonde got two new dogs, and her friend asked her what their names were.
The blonde said that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HelOOOooo," answered the blond, "they're watch dogs."

The Blonde went to the doctor because everywhere she touched, it hurt.
It hurt when she touched her arm, leg, face.
The Doctor said, Your finger is broken.

Blonde Betty followed a snowplow so she wouldn't get stuck in the snow.
Finally the driver stopped, got out of the snowplow, came over and said,
"OK this parking lot is done. I'm going to plow Sears next."

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said,
"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband asked, 'Who was that?'
The blonde answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear...."

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She said, 'Go ahead ask me ... I know them all.'
Her friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy ... it is W.'

Funny Blonde Jokes and Quotes
A Blonde With a Cell Phone

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her new phone rings and it's her husband.
"Hi Hon," he says. "How do you like your new phone?"
She replies, "I just love it. It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell.
There's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
The blonde phoned and said she couldn't get out of her hotel room.
"There are only three doors in here, "she cried."
"One door is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says "Do Not Disturb"!!
A blonde went on a TV quiz show.
The question was, "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest, Robin, Sparrow, Cuckoo, or Thrush?"
The blonde said Cuckoo and won a million dollars.
They asked her how she knew the answer.
"It was simple," she said. "Everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
They asked Blonde Bob how many seconds there are in a year?
He answered, "It's gotta be 12 seconds in a year - January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd..."
The blonde asked, "What's wrong with my car?"
The mechanic replied, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asked, "How often do I have to do that?"
The Blonde was painting the room, wearing a jacket and a fur coat over it.
Her boyfriend asked her why.
She answered, "Because the directions on the can said, For best results, put on two coats."
A blonde refused to eat any fruits and nuts. I asked her why. "Think about it," she said. "You are what you eat."

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde. -Dolly Parton said that

Funny Blonde Jokes and Quotes
How a Blonde Outsmarted a Lawyer

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.
Then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

Funny Blonde Jokes and Quotes
How a Blonde Outsmarted Her Neighbor

A blonde and her husband were lying in bed at 3:00 AM listening to the next-door neighbor's dog. The dog had been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
Finally, the blonde jumped up out of bed and said "I've had enough of this," and she went downstairs.
When the blonde finally came back up to bed, her husband asked, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"
The blonde said, "I put their dog in our backyard. Now, let's see how THEY like it!"

Funny Blonde Jokes and Quotes
The Blonde Crashed, But She Had a Good Excuse

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

Funny Blonde Jokes and Quotes
How a Blonde Outsmarted the Guys

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

Funny Blonde Jokes and Quotes
Send That Blonde Home

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take time off.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY," then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.
My coworker (who's blonde) asked, "What are you doing?"
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my blonde coworker followed me, the Boss said to her, " And where do you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this.... )
She said, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark!"

I hope life brings you much success.
I wish you a very happy day.
-----     Surfer Sam  

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