Purr-fectly Funny Cat Jokes
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Bingo is a Funny Cat with Her Own Web Page
. Bingo will be so thrilled! Bingo's Page is dedicated to all the Shelter Cats and to all the sweet Furry Angels lost and in need of love, home and humanity.
Would you like to know a little about Bingo?
Bingo’s favorite song is Three Blind Mice
Bingo says: I could have sworn I heard the can opener.
Like most cats Bingo loves to jump in drawers when they're opened.
Bingo’s motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
Bingo’s favorite color is Purrrrrrrple!
What is Bingo’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
Like all cats, Bingo can swim, but she refuses to try it.
Her secret dream is to meet Morris the cat.
Bingo’s advice to cats everywhere. "If you play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true."
More of Bingo's advice: You are a neutered cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with your tail fluffed up will not make your parts grow back.
Barfing up a hairball on the kitchen table will not make you any friends.
Bingo’s secret confession: “Outside under a full moon, I sound like a cat in a blender.”
I prefer lie-downs to sit-ups.
Love means never having to say you're hungry.
Show me a good mouser, and I'll show you a cat with bad breath.
Talk To The Paw
Bingo's Famous Cat Jokes
Funny Cat Picture
Oh, no! Not again!
: What's the difference between cats and fleas?
: Cats can have fleas but fleas can't have cats !!
When the cat and mouse agree, the grocer is ruined. ~Persian proverb
There is something going on now in Mexico that I happen to think is cruelty to animals. What I'm talking about, of course, is cat juggling. ~Steve Martin
When rats infest the palace, a lame cat is better than the swiftest horse. ~Chinese proverb
Funny Cat Picture
If you've got 'em, flaunt 'em.
Amie Semple McPherson
Bingo's Funny Cat Stories
was an old time evangelist who was known for her dramatic sermons.
Once she sent a little kid up into the choir loft and told him to release a dove out of its cage on cue.
So she was preaching away and said, "And the Lord will send a dove of peace..."
And the kid yelled out, "The cat just ate the dove. Should I throw down the cat?"
A tomcat and a tabby cat
were courting on a back fence at night. The tom cat leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... “I'll die for you!”
The tabby gazed at him with her bedroom eyes and asked, “How many times?”....
And the Cat Came Back
Bingo's Favorite Cat Story
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat
Funny Cat Picture
Hi !! I'm HAIRY Potter !!
. One day he decided to get rid of the cat by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. But just as the man arrived back home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out of the car and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat waiting for him!
He kept leaving the cat further and further away, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man called home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answered. "Why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man said, "Put the little ba**rd on the phone. I'm lost and need directions."
One day, a cat dies of natural causes
Funny Cat Picture
Lucy, you got some explaining to do !
and goes to heaven, where he meets Saint Peter himself. Saint Peter says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Peter, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
Saint Peter stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, Saint Peter is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from the cat, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"
Saint Peter says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later, Saint Peter stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. Saint Peter gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected.
And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"
Funny Cat Quotes
"If there are no cats in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
"Animals are such agreeable friends – they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms."
– George Eliot
Never wear anything that panics the cat.
– P.J. O'Rourke
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
– Author Unknown
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about kittens."
– Gene Hill
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
– Ellen DeGeneres
No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
– Fran Lebowitz
Fraidy Cat ~ Funny Cat Joke
A husband and wife were going out
Funny Cat Picture
There's gonna be Katfu fighting.
for the evening. They got ready, all dolled up, and put the cat outside.
The taxi arrives and, as the couple go out, the cat shoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house all evening, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says. "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
Little Timmy was in the garden
A CAT - astrophe ~ Funny Cat Story
filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Little Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
Bingo's Funny Cat Jokes
: What's happening when you hear "Woof... Splat... Meow... Splat?"
: It's raining cats and dogs !!
: What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
: Hailing taxi cabs !!
There was the cat who ate cheese and waited by the mouse hole with baited breath.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
: Cat Bathing is a Martial Art
: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
: One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause !!
: What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat?
: A peeping tom !!
: Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?
: Too many cheetahs !!
: How did a cat take first prize at the bird show?
: He just jumped up to the cage, reached in, and took it.
Why don't they just make mouse flavored cat food?
If you people don't want cat hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it "fur--niture."
I never married
Funny Jokes and Reflections of a Cat Lover
, because there was no need. I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.
To you, they are animals
. To me, they are adopted children who are short, hairy and walk on all fours. Although they don't speak clearly, they communicate extremely well, especially my cats.
The cat could very well be man's best friend, but would never stoop to admit it.
A five-year-old-cat, Jake, holds the Guinness World Record for the cat with the most toes. Jake, an orange tabby from Ontario, Canada, has a whooping 28 toes!
Dogs and cats
are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college.
Also, if they get pregnant, you can sell the children!
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
If left to her own devices, a female cat may have three to seven kittens every four months. This is why population control using neutering and spaying is so important.
: Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
: Don't pack dog & cat in same box.
Cats are better than babies because you only have to change a litter box once a day.
All in all, I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
Funny Cat Jokes
Bingo has a theory
Funny Cat Picture
Just Call Me Stiffy
about how to save energy and make the world better. You might call it the secret of Perpetual Motion. It goes like this...
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. She proposes to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats.
The two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground.
Using the giant buttered toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail would have enough power to run between New York and Chicago.
My owner is from Kentucky
and has a slight accent. She has three cats besides me. And when she takes them to the groomer, she asks for what is called a Line Cut. Now a line cut is when all of the fur hanging down below the cat’s tummy is taken off so it doesn’t get matted or snarled.
Recently she moved to Chicago and took me to the groomer for a line cut.
At first the groomer had trouble understanding her accent. She asked the groomer if he understood what a line cut was.
He said, “Yes, I know what a LION cut is.” This is how it turned out. See Photo.
She cried for a week, but not as much as I did.
I was one seriously pissed off cat.
There came a moment when each knew
they had to be together. They knew it was wrong... Their families would not understand... But, so consumed in their passion, they didn't hear the door open... the click of the light switch... Oh, the shame of it all!
The PAWS That Refreshes
The party's not over till the fat cat burps!
Home is where the food is.
Chewing...The Perfect Exercise!
: The three great lies of Life are:
When in doubt, cop an attitude.
- The check is in the mail.
- All I want is one kiss.
- It'll be all right. Just get in the pet carrier.
Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them.
Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there.
Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
Always give generously. A bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care".
My philosophy: Take Life One Bite at a Time.
This looks like a good spot for a nap. Wake me for the weekend.
I hope life brings you much success.
I wish you a very happy day.
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