Funny Computer Jokes
80 Jokes for Computer Nerds and the Rest of Us

Things Technical Support Told Me
Funny Computer Jokes
If Dr. Seuss Ran the Computer Help Desk
Funny Computer Quotes from History
Computer Programmers Joke of the Day
Computer Programmers Drinking Song
Another Round of Funny Computer Jokes
Computer Acronyms are Funny Jokes
You Might Be a Computer Redneck If...
What Disgruntled Computers Complain About
The Good Old Days Before Computers
Top Ten Oxymorons

Things Technical Support Told Me

Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?
That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
So -- what are you wearing?
Duuuuuude! Bummer!
Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n.
Ahhh, I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the Federal Trade Commission.
We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.
In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.
Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!
I'll try to be nicer, if you try to be smarter.
Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics.
Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney.

Funny Computer Jokes

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up your floppy disk?
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Bob Dole was visiting his first chat room. Bob Dole suddenly realizes he's the only person in Luscious Leg Lounge using his real name.
A Computer Novice says as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive: "Gee, how much does one of these weigh?"
Me: "It depends on how much data is on the disk....
The caller believed it.
On the phone at a major bookstore, the caller asked if we carried Linux for Dummies.
"No," I replied, "but we do sell The Complete Idiot's Guide to Linux.
The man groaned and said, "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Linux is way over my head!"

If Dr. Seuss Ran the Computer Help Desk

If Dr. Seuss ran the computer help desk, here's what he'd say:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Funny Computer Quotes from History

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
-- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
-- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
-- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
-- Ken Olson, president, chairman/founder of Digital Equipment Corp.,1977

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet."'
-- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer

Computer Programmers Joke of the Day

If we built our buildings the same way we build our software,
the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
Programming is like sex... if you're not careful, you'll have to support it for life.
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
If you lie to the compiler, it will have its revenge.
In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.
If it is useless, it will have to be documented. If it is useful, it will have to be maintained.
There is not now and never will be a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
Didja know? The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
Computer programmers never die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.

Computer Programmers Drinking Song

Sing out loud to the tune of "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall." 100 little bugs in the code,
100 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code.....

Repeat until BUGS = 0

Another Round of Funny Computer Jokes

A fellow programmer had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation. When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief then remarked, "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him."
Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was.
"Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you ... I get nervous around really smart people.
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A programmer is a disillusioned employee who used to think she liked computers.
A computer programmer is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
I went to www.winzip.com and they had a download link for a download of winzip.zip
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer were riding together to an engineering seminar. Suddenly the car began jerking and shuttering.
The mechanical engineer, said, "I think the car has a faulty carburetor."
The electrical engineer said, "No, I think the problem lies with the alternator."
The computer engineer brightened up and said, "I know, let's stop the car, all get out of the car and get back in again!"
Question: Why do they call it hyper text?
Answer: Too much JAVA.
Question: Why was the computer so tired when it got home?
Answer: Because it had a hard drive!
You know you've been working too much if you try to enter your password on the microwave.
You know you've been working too much if you email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, "What's for dinner dad?"
You know you've been working too much if you set up a web site for your daughter to sell Girl Scout Cookies.
You know you've been working too much if you chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
The computer company my wife worked for distributed a corporate clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (control) and the other Esc (escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard.
"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."

Computer Acronyms are Funny Jokes
AAAAA American Association Against Acronym Abuse
Computer Acronyms !! Do You Know What They Really Mean!
PCMCIA:- People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Loving Entity
SCSI: System Can't See It
DOS: Defective Operating System
BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM: Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW: World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
RISC: Reduced Into Silly Code

You Might Be a Computer Redneck If

Your E-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"
You connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page"
The bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop"
Your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson"
You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone
Your baseball cap reads "DEC" instead of "CAT"
Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined
Your wife said "either she or the computer had to go"...and you still don't miss her
You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster for your beer
You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy"
Your screen saver is a bitmap image of your computer
You start all your E-mails with the words "Howdy y'all"
Your spellchecker knows words like "Y'all," "Yonder," and "Reckon"
Your cars sit in the yard because your garage is full of dead CPU's, printers, modems, and monitors
Your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5" hard drive
Didja know? !! If an infinite number of programmers riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great computer programs in Braille.

What Disgruntled Computers Complain About

"Buy a Pentium XVII/90 so you can reboot faster."
"2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."
"Anything that can go wrong will go wrong."
"Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes."
"My software never has bugs. It just develops random features."
"If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway."
"Best file compression around: \"DEL *.*\" = 100% compression"
"The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in."
"If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something."
"BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding"
"BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!"
"It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious."
"Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..."
"Every solution breeds new problems."
"As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing."
"Two wrongs are only the beginning."
"Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS..."
"All computers wait at the same speed."
"DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors."
"Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view."

The Good Old Days Before Computers

REMEMBER WHEN...

A Computer Was Something On TV

From A Science Fiction Show

A Window Was Something You Hated To Clean....

And RAM Was The Cousin Of A Goat...

Meg Was The Name Of My Girlfriend

And Gig Was Your Middle Finger Upright

Now They All Mean Different Things

And That Really Mega Bytes

An Application Was For Employment

A Program Was A TV Show

A Cursor Used Profanity

A Keyboard Was A Piano

Memory Was Something That You Lost With Age

A CD Was A Bank Account

And If You Had A 3 1/2" Floppy

You Hoped Nobody Found Out

Compress Was Something You Did To The Garbage

Not Something You Did To A File

And If You Unzipped Anything In Public

You'd Be In Jail For A While

Log On Was Adding Wood To The Fire

Hard Drive Was A Long Trip On The Road

A Mouse Pad Was Where A Mouse Lived

And A Backup Happened To Your Commode

Cut You Did With A Pocket Knife

Paste You Did With Glue

A Web Was A Spider's Home

And A Virus Was The Flu

I Guess I'll Stick To My Pad And Paper

And The Memory In My Head

Nobody's Been Killed In A Computer Crash

But When It Happens They Wish They Were Dead

Top Ten Oxymorons

Plastic glasses

Computer security

Political science

Tight slacks

Definite maybe

Pretty ugly

Rap music

Working vacation

Religious tolerance

And the Number One Top Oxymoron
Microsoft Works

I hope life brings you much success.
I wish you a very happy day.

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Return to the complete index of funny jokes.

Funny Computer Jokes80 Jokes for Computer Nerds and the Rest of Us

Things Technical Support Told Me

Funny Computer Jokes

If Dr. Seuss Ran the Computer Help Desk

Funny Computer Quotes from History

Computer Programmers Joke of the Day

Computer Programmers Drinking Song

Another Round of Funny Computer Jokes

Computer Acronyms are Funny JokesAAAAA American Association Against Acronym Abuse

You Might Be a Computer Redneck If

What Disgruntled Computers Complain About

The Good Old Days Before Computers

Top Ten Oxymorons

Funny Computer Jokes
80 Jokes for Computer Nerds and the Rest of Us

Computer Acronyms are Funny Jokes
AAAAA American Association Against Acronym Abuse