FUNNY JOKE OF THE DAY
FUNNY JOKES FOR FUNNY BLOKES
The Funniest Jokes on the Internet
Welcome, friend. You're gonna have a good time here. You'll get 62 days worth of jokes, and some days have more than one to choose. Start every day with a big, goofy smile.
Funny Joke of the Day 1. Gandhi walked barefoot his whole life, which created awful calluses on his feet. he also ate very little, making him frail. and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what?
Answer: A super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Funny Joke of the Day 2. Art of communication. A shopkeeper worried when a business like his opened next door with a huge sign which read BEST DEALS. He was horrified when a competitor opened on his right, with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES. The shopkeeper got an idea. he put the highest sign over his shop. It read... MAIN ENTRANCE.
Funny Joke of the Day 3. Diane buys a hundred goldfish. There ae so many of them that she decides to keep them in her bathtub.
One day she invites her friend over to see all her beautiful goldfish. Lauren is impressed, and says, "They surely are beautiful, but what do you do when you want to take a bath?"
Diane replied, "Simple. I just blindfold them!"
Funny Joke of the Day 4. Enjoying her vacation in Hawaii, Lisa called a cafe to make reservations for 7 P.M.
Checking her book, the cheery hostess said, "I'm sorry, but all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?"
"That's fine, " Lisa said.
"Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised that you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."
Funny Joke of the Day 5. I manage a large discount bookstore and was amused by a phone conversation one of my sales clerks had with a new computer user.
The caller asked if we carried Linux for Dummies. "No," the clerk replied, "but we do sell The Complete Idiot's Guide to Linux.
The man groaned and said, "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Linux is way over my head!"
Funny Joke of the Day 6. A salesman from KFC went to the Pope and offered him $1 million to change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken."
The Pope refused his offer.
Two weeks later, the man offered the Pope $70 million, and, finally, the Pope accepted.
The next day, the Pope said to his officials, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is we have just received a check for $20 million. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!"
Funny Joke of the Day 7. Myra was the church gossip. Though many disliked this, they feared her enough to keep silent.
But she made a mistake when she accused Bob of being a drunk after she saw his truck parked in front of the town's bar, saying, "Anyone seeing it knows what you were doing."
Bob stared at her for a moment and walked away. He didn't explain, defend or deny. he said nothing.
But that evening, Bob parked his pickup in front of Myra's house and left it there all night.
Funny Joke of the Day 8. Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, "Life is so darn boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
the first fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."
Funny Joke of the Day 9. A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drover up over the curb, and stopped just inches fom a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
Funny Joke of the Day 10. Son and mom were looking for a lost contact lens in driveway. The Mom soon found it.
Son: "Wow! How did you find it?"
Mom: "You were looking for a piece of plastic, but I was looking for $150."
Funny Joke of the Day 12. A mother was talking to her preschooler. "Who is your favorite singer?" she asked.
The little girl quickly replied, "Jennifer Low Pants."
Funny Joke of the Day 13. Husband: Oh my gosh, I almost ran over a man from Miami!
Wife: How do you know he was from Miami?
Husband: He kept screaming something that sounded like "Sunny beaches!"
Funny Joke of the Day 14. Sign at pawn shop: Armed guard on duty three nights a week. You guess which nights.
Funny Joke of the Day 15. Question: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Answer: thirty. Two to hold the lightbulb, and 28 to drink until the room starts spinning.
Funny Joke of the Day 16. Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!
Funny Joke of the Day 17. A man rushed into the house and yelled to his wife.
Man: Martha, pack up your things. I just won the lottery!
Martha: Should I pack for warm weather or cold?
Man: I don't care. Just as long as you're out of the house by noon!
Funny Joke of the Day 18. Bartender. Your wife will probably hit the ceiling when you get home!
Drunk: I know. she's a lousy shot.
Funny Joke of the Day 19. Bar sign: if you want credit, go to Helen Waite.
If you don't agree with Ms. Waite's decision, you can talk with her boss Mr. Vail. Yes, you can appeal for credit to Noah Vail.
Funny Joke of the Day 20. Foreman: Sorry, Missus, your husband fell into a vat of beer.
Wife sobbing: But did he go quickly?
Foreman: Well, no. He got out at least three times to go to the bathroom.
Funny Joke of the Day 21. Wife: Honey, I just had the most wonderful visit to my doctor!
Husband: Really? How so?
Wife: According to my height and my weight, I'm not as old as I should be!
Funny Joke of the Day 22. Blonde girl said to her friend: I was worried that my mechanic was going to try and rip me off. So I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!
Funny Joke of the Day 23. Taxiing, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, and returned to the gate. After a long wait, it took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant.
"It took us a while to find a new pilot."
Funny Joke of the Day 24. A linguistics professor was lecturing to her English class one day.
"in English,"she said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some language, though, such as Russian, a double negative is stil a negative. However, there is no language in which a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Funny Joke of the Day 25. Twenty the hard way. Bill, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old blonde on his arm.
She's hanging on his every word, and his buddies at the club are aghast.
They corner him and ask, "Bill, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bill replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're stunned but continue to inquire about Bill's companion. So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"
Bill says, 'I lied about my age."
His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bill smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
Funny Joke of the Day 27. Subject: Fair is Fair
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer ?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin 'em fat an
cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gittin that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer. But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin . ... what I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"
Funny Joke of the Day 28. Programmer's Joke
If we built our buildings the same way we build our software,
the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
Funny Joke of the Day 29. Programmer's Jokes
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
If you lie to the compiler, it will have its revenge.
If it is useless, it will have to be documented. If it is useful, it will have to be maintained.
Funny Joke of the Day 30. Three women were sitting around and bragging about their children.
The first one says, "You know, my son, he graduated first in his class from Stanford. He's now a doctor, making $250,000 a year in Chicago."
The second woman says, "You know my daughter, she graduated first in her class from Harvard. She's now a lawyer, making half a million dollars a year and she lives in Los Angeles."
The last woman says, "You know my son, he never did too well in school. He never went to any university but he now makes one million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman."
The other two women ask, "What is a sports repairman?"
The woman then replies, "He fixes games... you know, hockey games, football games, baseball games...."
Funny Joke of the Day 31. Baseball
A conceited new rookie was pitching his first league game. He walked the first five men he faced and the manager took him out of the game.
The rookie slammed his glove on the ground as he yelled, "It's outrageous, the jerk took me out when I had a no-hitter going."
Funny Joke of the Day 32. A man walks into a bar with a dog.
The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here."
"You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can talk."
"Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks."
The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"
"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?"
"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in twenties."
The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you."
As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?"
Funny Joke of the Day 34. Baseball
The local baseball team installed a new pitching machine the other day. Unfortunately it beat them 4-1.
Funny Joke of the Day 35. Did you hear about the Irishman who couldn't understand how he had only three brothers when his sister had four?
Funny Joke of the Day 36. The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question always asked, "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"
The jump instructor answered, "The rest of your life."
Funny Joke of the Day 37. LATEST POLLING SHOWS:
Forty-three percent of all Americans say that illegal immigration is a serious problem.
The other 57 percent said, "No hablo ingles."
Funny Joke of the Day 38. SMART MOUTH ANSWER
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign came up that
read, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he got stuck under the bridge.
Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car came up. The cop got out of his car and walked to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Funny Joke of the Day 39. SMART MOUTH ANSWER
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Funny Joke of the Day 40. Dearest Redneck Son...
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
Funny Joke of the Day 40. "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
Funny Joke of the Day 41. SHARP EYE TEST
Count the letter F every time it appears in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
HOW MANY ?
WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go back and try to find the 6 instances of the letter F before you scroll down.
The reasoning behind is further down.
The brain cannot process "OF".
Incredible or what? Go back and look again.
Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.
Three is normal, four is quite rare.
Send this to your friends.
It will drive them crazy.!
And keep them occupied
For several minutes..!
Funny Joke of the Day 42. OIL SHORTAGE 101
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in
are located in
Funny Joke of the Day 43. This woman wore a huge fur coat to a premiere, and demonstrators outside shouted, "How many animals did you have to kill to get that coat?"
She turned and said, "Not as many as I had to sleep with to get it."
Funny Joke of the Day 44. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred
dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Funny Joke of the Day 45. We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America
but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.
Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
Funny Joke of the Day 46. SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
Funny Joke of the Day 47. KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled , "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
Funny Joke of the Day 48. BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on
the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
Funny Joke of the Day 49. FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HelOOOooo," answered the blond, "they're watch dogs."
Funny Joke of the Day 50. Maxine on "Driver Safety"
"I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".......
Maxine on "Housework"
"I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."
Maxine on "Lawn Care"
"The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."
Maxine on "The Perfect Man"
"All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away.
Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."
Funny Joke of the Day 51. Should you be Institutionalized?
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub. Then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the
patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."
"Do you want a room with or without a view?"
Funny Joke of the Day 52. Keep Reading
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."
Funny Joke of the Day 53. Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance
pay. And the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
Funny Joke of the Day 54.
Wife: This article on overpopulation of the world says that somewhere in the world there is a woman having a baby every four seconds.
Husband: I think they ought to find that woman and stop her!
Funny Joke of the Day 55. Teacher: A fool can ask more questions than a wise man can answer.
Student: No wonder so many of us flunk our exams.
Funny Joke of the Day 56. Tongue Twister
The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick.
Which witch wished the wicked wish?
When does the wristwatch strap shop shut.
The wild wolf roams the wintry wastes.
He ran from the Indies to the Andes in his undies.
A regal rural ruler.
The big black-backed bumblebee.
The rat ran by the river with a lump of raw liver.
Funny Joke of the Day 57.
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess says: "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion per passenger."
Funny Joke of the Day 58. In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the September 11 attacks on America.
His answer was classic Schwartzkopf. He said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting."
Funny Joke of the Day 59. A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from
the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney.
Funny Joke of the Day 60. When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!"
To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
Funny Joke of the Day 61. A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge HEART covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When confronted later, he said: "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."
At that point, the proctologist fainted.
Funny Joke of the Day 62. I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a girl a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked donut.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires!
So I called him another bad name.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
I hope life brings you much success.
I wish you a very happy day. Surfer Sam
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