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Funny Newspaper Articles
Funny Jokes I Read in the Newspaper

Thank God for church volunteers who get the news out. These funny newspaper articles actually appeared in church bulletins:
  • Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

  • Announcement in a church bulletin for a national FASTING & PRAYER Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

  • The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: is "Searching for Jesus."

  • Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall - Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
  • Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

  • The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

  • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

  • Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

  • Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

  • For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

  • Next Thursday there will be try outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

  • Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

  • The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: " Break Forth Into Joy."

  • Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

  • A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

  • Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

  • Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

  • Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

  • Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

  • The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

  • Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

  • The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

  • This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

  • Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

  • The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

  • Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

  • The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

  • The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge ! - Up Yours!"
  • More Funny Newspaper Articles
    Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
    [what a guy!]

    Miners Refuse to Work after Death
    [no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

    Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
    [see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

    War Dims Hope for Peace
    [I can see where it might have that effect!]

    If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
    [you think?!]

    Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
    [who would have thought!]

    Jennifer has the wisdom of King Solomon.

    Forty-three percent of all Americans say that illegal immigration is a serious problem.
    The other 57 percent said, "No hablo ingles."

    Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
    [they may be on to something!]

    Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
    [you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

    Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
    [he probably IS the battery charge!]

    New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
    [weren't they fat enough?!]

    Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
    [That what he gets for eating those beans!]

    Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
    [imagine that!]

    Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
    [no, really?]

    Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
    [now that's taking things a bit far!]

    Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
    [Taste like chicken!]

    Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
    [That was really giving of himself!]

    Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
    [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

    Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
    [Boy, are they tall!]

    And the winner is....

    Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
    [nuff said!]

    I hope life brings you much success.
    I wish you a very happy day.

    Return to the complete index of funny jokes

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