Funny Newspaper Articles
Funny Jokes I Read in the Newspaper

Thank God for church volunteers who get the news out. These funny newspaper articles actually appeared in church bulletins:

• Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
  
  
• Announcement in a church bulletin for a national FASTING & PRAYER Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
  
  
• The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: is "Searching for Jesus."
  
  
• Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall - Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

• Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
  
  
• The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
  
  
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
  
  
• Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
  
  
• Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  
  
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  
  
• Next Thursday there will be try outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
  
  
• Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
  
  
• The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: " Break Forth Into Joy."
  
  
• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
  
  
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
  
  
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  
  
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  
  
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  
  
• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
  
  
• Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
  
  
• The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
  
  
• Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
  
  
• The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
  
  
• This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
  
  
• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
  
  
• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
  
  
• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
  
  
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  
  
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  
  
• The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge ! - Up Yours!"

More Funny Newspaper Articles

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]
Rupert Murdoch owns MySpace



Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[you think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]


Jennifer has the wisdom of King Solomon.



Forty-three percent of all Americans say that illegal immigration is a serious problem.
The other 57 percent said, "No hablo ingles."

Sex Teacher Gets Off
[it's just a job!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]


Does Walt know about this?



New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That what he gets for eating those beans!]

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]


Obviously not afraid of needles



Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken!]

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
[That was really giving of himself!]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]


We're ready for anything.



And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
[nuff said!]

I hope life brings you much success.
I wish you a very happy day.

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