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Funny Golf Jokes and Stories

Funny Golf Story - The Deserted Island
Funny Golf Picture
funny golf cart
Click for full size.

There are more clowns than usual on the golf course.
One day a man, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, “It's certainly not a ship.” And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.
Suddenly, there emerged from the surf a figure wearing a black wet suit.
The swimmer put aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit. There stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned man and said to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed man.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Wonderful!" said the man, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Scotch whisky?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve and unzipped a pocket. Then she removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'It is nectar!" exclaimed the man. "It is truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?”
With tears in his eyes, the man fell to his knees and sobbed, "Have mercy, woman! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there, too!"

Missing:Wife, Car and Golf Clubs. Reward for Golf Clubs.

Q: What's that you've got in your pocket?
A: Uh, golf balls.
Q: Oh, does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?
Funny Golf Jokes - The Complete Book of Golf
Chapter 1 How to properly line up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2. How I Hit a Nike from the Rough, When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee
Chapter 3. How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker
Chapter 4. When to Give the Ranger the Finger
Chapter 5. Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
Chapter 6. When to Implement Handicap Management
Chapter 7. Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9am
Chapter 8. How to Rationalize a 6-Hour Round
Chapter 9. How to Find That Ball That Everyone Saw Go in the Water
Chapter 10. Why Your Spouse doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th
Chapter 11. How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome
Chapter 12. How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee
Chapter 13. When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
Chapter 14. God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt
Chapter 15. Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?
Chapter 16. Why Golfers Pay $5.00 for a Beer From the Cart Girl, And Would Pay More

Merle:   I hear your husband is a linguist.
Verle:   Yes, he speaks three languages, football, baseball and golf.

Statistics indicate that, as a result of overwork, modern executives are dropping like flies on the nation's golf courses. - Ira Wallach

Doctor says to patient: You've got to ease up on the sports. You've got jogger's knee, golfer's toe, tennis elbow
and - worst of all - boxer's brain

Never putt a dirty golf ball. Clean ones roll true.
Funny Golf Story - The Golf Jackpot
Funny Golf Picture
a hummer of a golf cart
Click for full size.

A hummer of a golf cart.
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing.You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky Frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think, frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit 3 Wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life. He asks the frog, "OK, where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK, frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but, after the golf game, the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since, after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God."
Funny Golf Jokes - These Are Gimmees
Peggy: You think so much of your old golf game. You probably don't even remember when we were married.
Lowell: Of course I do, my dear. It was the day I sank that thirty-foot putt.

What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!

A man and his friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies, "Yeah, it was the least I could do. We were married 35 years."

Golf is like taxes. You drive hard to make the green and then end up in the hole.

They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. -Gardner Dickinson

The course of true golf never did run smooth. Henny Youngman (1906-1998) U.S. (English born) comedian
Funny Golf Story - The Ducks
Three golfing buddies died in an auto accident and went to heaven. Upon arrival, they noticed the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter told them they were welcome to play the course, but he cautioned them with one rule: "Don't step on the ducks."
The men had blank expressions on their faces, and finally one of them said, "The ducks?"
"Yes," St. Peter Said. "There are millions of ducks walking around the golf course, and when one of them is stepped on, he squawks, and then the one next to him squawks, and soon they're all raising hell and it really breaks the tranquility. If you step on the ducks, you'll be punished."
The men start playing the course, and within 15 minutes, one of the guys stepped on a duck. The duck squawked, and soon there was a deafening roar of ducks quacking.
St. Peter appeared with an extremely homely woman and asked, "Who stepped on a duck?"
"I did," admitted one of the men. St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man to the homely woman.
"I told you not to step on the ducks," he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."
The two other men were very cautious not to step on any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes, St. Peter walked up with a woman who was even uglier than the other one. He determined who stepped on the duck by seeing the fear in the man's face, and he cuffed him to the woman. "I told you not to step on the ducks," St. Peter said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."
The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of nudging a duck. After three months of this, he still hadn't stepped on a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man and had with him the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled and without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said, "What have I done to deserve this?"
The woman replied: "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
Funny Golf Jokes - These Are Gimmees
Life is a journey...taken one shot at a time.

All I've got against golf is that it takes you so far from the club house.-Eric Linklater

The only reason I ever played golf in the first place was so I could afford to hunt and fish. -Sam Snead

Statistics indicate that, as a result of overwork, modern executives are dropping like flies on the nation's golf courses. -Ira Wallach

My doctor's on the Golf Diet. He lives on greens.

If you watch a game, that's fun. If you play it, that's recreation. But if you work at it, that's golf. ---Bob Hope

Most of the people who do great things in life are alone.... especially on a golf course.

A golfer drove his tee shot onto an anthill. After many swings he demolished the anthill, but still had not hit the ball. At this point one of the two ants still alive turned to the other ant and said, "If we're going to survive, we'd better get on the ball!"

Old golfers never quit; they just putter around.

Some golfers know more ways to slice than a food processor.

Golf has given me an understanding of the futility of human effort.

I play golf in the 70s - when it gets colder, I quit.

If you can smile when all around you have lost their heads -you must be the caddy.

Golf is a form of work made expensive enough for rich people to enjoy.

Golf: Another method of beating around the bush.

Golf: A good walk spoiled. -Mark Twain
Funny Golf Story - A Hole in One
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning. He realized that it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny spring day and decided he just had to play golf.

So he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him. Then he headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

About this time, St. Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from heaven and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball. It shot straight toward the pin, dropped just short of it, and rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?!

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

A woman went to the local newspaper office to have the obituary for her recently deceased husband published.
The obit editor informed her that there was a charge of 50 cents per word.
She paused, reflected, and then she said, “Well then, let it read: ‘Fred Brown died.’”
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor told her that there was a seven-word minimum for all obituaries.
She thought it over and after a few seconds she said, "In that case, let it read, ‘Fred Brown died. Golf clubs for sale.’"

Wife: what would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
Husband: Definitely not!
Wife: Why not? Don't you like being married?
Husband: Of course I do.
Wife: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Husband: Okay, I'd get married again.
Wife, with a hurt look on her face: You would?
Husband: makes an audible groan.
Wife: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Husband: Where else would we sleep?
Wife: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
Husband: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Wife: Would she use my golf clubs?
Husband: No, she's left-handed.
Wife: silence
Husband: Duh.
Funny Golf Story - Golf Accident
One beautiful fall Sunday afternoon, a man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor and nurses run up to him and ask what happened.
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife. She was teeing off on the last hole when she sliced her ball into a pasture full of cows. She's afraid of the beasts, so I went to look for it," the battered man explained.
Meanwhile, the emergency room was becoming busy, and the doctor was growing impatient.
The man continued, “While I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something white in its tail. And I carefully walked over and examined it up close. Sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
The harried doctor, now losing his patience, says, “So? I don't understand what this has to do with the nature of your injuries.”
The man continued, “That's when I made my mistake. I pointed to the cow's posterior and yelled to my wife, 'Hey,this looks like yours!'"
Funny Golf Story - Golf Played By the Rules
Two friends were playing golf one day. They decided that they would adhere strictly to the rules with no improving their lie.
After a few holes, one guy's ball landed on a cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "We agreed that we would not improve our lie."
No matter how much the first fellow tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, the second fellow would not allow it. So the man went to the cart to get a club.
As he stood over the ball he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement, taking out big chunks of blacktop and sending out lots of sparks!
Finally, after several practice swings he took his shot. The ball took off and landed on the green about 6 feet from the pin.
"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?"
"YOUR 7-iron!" he replied.

I make it very, very clear that my purpose in raising Tiger was not to raise a golfer. I wanted to raise a good person. Earl Woods, father of Tiger Woods

I do much of my creative thinking while golfing. If people know you're working at home they think nothing of walking in for a cup of coffee. But they wouldn't dream of interrupting on the golf course. --- Harper Lee
Funny Golf Jokes - The Laws of Golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are possessed by demons.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law 3).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: When they say "Nice lag," it usually means "Lousy putt." Similarly, "Tough break" usually means "Way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
Funny Golf Story - The Religious Golf Battle
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
Funny Golf Story - Death by Golf
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired.
"Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
Funny Golf Story - That's One Bad Dentist
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.
"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach.
That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
Funny Golf Story - The Hazards of Golf
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...
"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
Funny Golf Story - Golf Advice From Your Elders
A young man found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes of golf before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. so he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, and directly between his ball and the green.
While he debated how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."
Funny Golf Story - The Amazing Golf Ball
A golfer, playing a round of golf by himself, is about to tee off. But a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"
The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"
"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"
"Whatta ya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"
"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."
"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"
"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."
"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"
"No problem, sir. This golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"
The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"
"I found it."
Funny Golf Story - Slow Golfers
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing well, they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets close to the women and then turns abruptly and jogs back.
His boss asks what the problem is. "Well, one of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress," complained Joe.
Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women. He determined to finish his round of golf. He ran up to ask the ladies to speed up their game. But, without saying a word, he stopped short and turned around.
Joe asked, "What's wrong?"
His boss said, “It's a small, small world, Joe, and you're fired."
Funny Golf Story - What Will You Do For Golf?
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole, the following conversation ensued:
First Guy: Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.
Second Guy: That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.
Third Guy: Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him: You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?
Fourth Guy: I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. and when it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Golf course or intercourse?"
And she said, "Wear your sweater".
Funny Golf Story - Golf Balls for Sale
A blonde golfer went into the pro shop and looked around frowning. Finally the pro asked her what she wanted.
"I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complained.
The pro looked all over the shop, and through all the catalogs. Finally he called the manufacturers and determined that, sure enough, there were no green golf balls.
As the blonde golfer walked out the door in disgust, the pro asked her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
"Well, obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"
Funny Golf Story - Lester and Jake
Two golfers, Jake and Lester, were playing golf and came upon a water hole.
Jake teed up and hit the ball into the middle of the pond.
He reached into his bag to find that he was out of balls. Then he asked Lester for a ball. He proceeded to hit it into the pond as well.
This went on for 3 or 4 more times.
Then, when he asked Lester for yet another ball, Lester said, "Jake, theseball cost me a pretty penny,"
Jake replied "Oh, Lester, if you can’t afford to play the game, you shouldn’t be out here!
Funny Golf Jokes - The True Rules of Golf
  • The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
  • If you want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
  • Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
  • When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
  • Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
  • No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
  • Never keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
  • When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
  • There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: 1. How many hands you have, and 2. Which one is wearing the glove.
  • Hazards attract. Fairways repel.
  • You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
  • A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
  • If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is the one in the bunker
  • If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
  • Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
Funny Golf Jokes - Top Ten Signs You're Addicted to Golf
  1. When you pick up something off the floor, you have to lean on your putter
  2. The only number on your speed dial is 1-800-TEETIME.
  3. You have your priorities in order: food, shelter, greens fees, job.
  4. You dream you go to prison but still get conjugal visits with your driver.
  5. You tell the lost motorist that the gas station is only a par 4 away on the left.
  6. You’d like to take off your glove but, hey, why bother?
  7. Whenever you see a hole in the ground, you squat, squint and read the line.
  8. You’re vaguely aware of living with a woman, what's her name.
  9. You ask the shopper ahead in the checkout line if you can play through.
  10. Before you pick up the salt shaker, you mark its position with a dime
Funny Golf Jokes - Top Ten Signs You Need a New Caddie
  1. Your new titanium driver is slathered with bacon drippings and stick-um.
  2. He wipes the mud off your ball with coarse #10 sandpaper.
  3. You hear him whisper to another caddy that you're a "major league.." something.
  4. He suggests you shorten the hole by teeing off over the snake-infested swampland."
  5. As you line up your putt, he does shadow puppets on your pants.
  6. He says he'd like to help you read your putts, but he's illiterate.
  7. When you sink a birdie putt, he moans, "There goes my bet."
  8. During your swing you hear him feverishly talking on his cell phone, but it's only to the time-recording lady.
  9. When you ask him where to aim your next shot, he points to his left breast.
  10. He hands you a driver, 9 iron and putter and tells you "Meet me on the next hole and don't mess up!"
Funny Golf Story - My Last Golf Partner
A husband comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife asks why he doesn't include Tom Wilson in the games anymore.
The husband asks, "Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?"
"Of course I wouldn't," replies the wife.
"Well," says the husband, "neither would Tom Wilson."
Funny Golf Story - Back It Up Like Arnie
Arnold Palmer was playing in a big tournament and comes to a 235-yard par-3. After some deliberation, he took out his 3 iron and sailed the ball 20 feet over the pin and backed it up to within 3 feet of the pin.
A fan in the crowd said, "Mr. Palmer, how do you make a 3 iron back up like that?"
Arnold Palmer replied, "Do you own a 3 iron?"
The fan said, "Yes, sir I do."
"How far do you hit it?" said Palmer.
“About 160 yards,” was his reply.
Palmer calmly said, "What the heck do you want it to back up for?"
Funny Golf Story - In Golf There Are No Friends
Nick and Lou head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Nick says to Lou, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Lou agrees and they enjoy a great game.
After the 8th hole, Lou is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
"Help me find my ball; you look over there," he says to Nick.
After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a two-stroke penalty, Lou pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.
"I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.
Nick looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"
"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"
"And a liar, too!" Nick says with amazement.
"I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes
Funny Golf Jokes - It's Called Golf
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft. Today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
There are three ways to improve your golf game: 1. take lessons, 2. practice constantly or 3. start cheating.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice, once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with frequent disappointments.
There's no game like golf. You go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.
Funny Golf Story - Arriving Late
One golfer asked his friend, "Why did you get here so late for your tee time?"
His friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church or playing golf."
"Yes," continued the friend, "but that stills doesn't tell me why you are so late."
"Well," said the fellow, "It took over 25 tosses to get it right!"
Funny Golf Story - The Echo
A golfer hit his ball into a ravine.
His buddies heard `whack, whack, whack' on and on, until finally he got the ball out.
His buddy asked, "How many strokes did it take you to get out of there?"
He said, "Three."
But his buddy said, "I heard seven."
His reply was, "Four of them were echoes."

My game is so bad I have to hire three caddies. One caddie walks the left rough. One caddie walks the right. And one is for the middle. And the one in the middle doesn't have much to do.
Funny Golf Story - The Golf Gun
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked the first detective.
"He was shot with a golf gun," replied the other.
"A golf gun? What's a golf gun?"
"I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan."

Duffer: Mr. Venturi, how can I put more distance between me and my shots?
Ken Venturi: Hit the ball and run backwards.
Funny Golf Jokes - The True Rules of Golf
Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
It's not a gimme if you're still away.
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Funny Golf Joke - Tiger Woods Tells All
After winning the US and British Open and the PGA Championship, a writer asked Tiger Woods if that was his greatest year.
Tiger replied "No, when I was 11, I had straight "A's", won 32 junior tournaments, has two recesses a day and had the cutest girlfriend in the whole school.
Everything has been downhill since then."

Dave Marr, announcing at the Masters: "Tom Kite backs off the shot. I think he may have felt some wind from his rear."

Buddy Hackett: I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.

Thanks for stopping by. I hope life brings you much success.
I wish you a very happy day.
-----     Surfer Sam  

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