Marriage is no Bed of Roses. Funny jokes and stories about husbands and wives.

I love being married. Marriage is finding that one special person you can annoy for the rest of your life. For the middle class, marriage is the only adventure left. I was married once. Now I just lease. There's more truth about marriage in these jokes than anyone wants to admit.

Marriage - Part I



Marriage - Part I

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

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Marriage - Part II

A husband and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. The wife comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)

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Marriage - Part III

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

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Marriage - Part IV

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. --Rod Stewart

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".

Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.

Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.

Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both. GET MARRIED!


Man to proctologist during an exam: "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

Marriage - Part V - The Doilies

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies."

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THE FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

AND FINALLY...Marriage - Part VII

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


In 1976, a Los Angeles secretary formally married her 50-pound pet rock.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.


Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.

Love is a grave mental disease.

It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of her son, and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him.

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.

I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.

Marriage. A master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.

Marriage is not a word but a sentence.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

If I ever marry it will be on a sudden impulse, as a man shoots himself.

I married beneath me. All women do.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. One day my wife came home early from work and found us in bed together.

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart, and to sing it to them when they have forgotten.

Treasure the one who is thinking of you when all others are thinking of themselves.

I hope life brings you much success. I wish you a very happy day.