Money ~ Funny Jokes & Quotes About Money
Funny Money !! Money is the Root of These Jokes !!
Money is not actually the root of all evil, as they say. It's lack of money that's the root of all evil. Money sure does help with the grocery bills. I'm really good at managing money. So far I've saved $25 towards retirement.
- Money ~ 20 Funny Jokes & Quotes About Money
- Money ~ 24 Funny Short Jokes
- 20 More Funny Jokes and Quotes About Money
- Funny Joke ~ Who's Got the Money
- 10 More Funny Jokes About Money
- Funny Facts About Money
- Funny Joke ~ Breakfast Money
They can't tax you on money you got illegally.
- Al Capone
Never lend money to a friend. It's dangerous. It could damage his memory.
- Sam Levenson
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. ~Robert Orben
Money isn't everything, but it certainly keeps you in touch with your children.
- Alexander Hamilton, first Secretary of the Treasury
Jackie Gleason played Ralph Cramden, when his TV wife Alice wanted to get a job.
Ralph: "Before I let you go to work, I'd rather see you starve. We'll just have to live on our savings."
The practical Alice said: "That'll carry us through the night, Ralph, but what will we do in the morning?"
What were the receipts today in Madison Square Garden?
- dying words of P.T. Barnum
I spend money as if I had it.
- Mike Todd
Lack of money is the root of all evil.
- George Bernard Shaw
There are three things necessary for political victory. The first is money, the second is money, and the third is money.
- Joe Kennedy
I spent so much on the election, I could have got my chauffeur elected.
- Joe Kennedy
Christopher Columbus was looking for a passage to India, but he landed in America. He landed in the wrong place, and when he got back, he wasn't sure where he'd been. But most important of all, he did it on someone else's money.
- Ronald Reagan
The new source of power is not money in the hands of a few, but information in the hands of many.
-John Naisbitt in Megatrends
How little you know about the age you live in if you think that honey is sweeter than cash in hand.
There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune.
- William Shakespeare
When a fellow says it ain't the money but the principle of the thing, it's the money.
- Frank Hubbard, 1868-1930
Fortune does not change men; it unmasks them.
- Suzanne Necker, 1739-1794
Experience is the name everyone gives to his mistakes.
- Oscar Wilde, 1854-1900
You don't have to marry for money; hang around the rich and marry for love.
- the mother of Barbara Walters
If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.
- George Bernard Shaw
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
I've been rich and I've been poor; rich is better.
Question: Would you marry an old but rich fool?
Answer: How rich?
A billion dollars lasts 8 hours and 20 minutes at the rate our government spends it.
Work is the price you pay for money.
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
"Canada Bill" Jones
Wife: I think you only married me because my daddy left me a lot of money.
Husband: That's not true. I don't care who left you the money.
The most important thing in acting is HONESTY. Once you learn to fake that, you're in!
A hypocrite is a man who pays his taxes with a smile.
If goodness is its own reward, shouldn't we get a little something for being naughty?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
I wouldn't say Scottish are misers, but did you know that the Grand Canyon was created by a Scotsman trying to dig up a lost penny?
Bob Newhart once worked in an unemployment office for $60 a week before he realized the unemployed people were getting $55 for just showing up once a week.
Dali the painter once confessed to a pure, vertical, mystical, Gothic love of cash. He and his wife kept separate trunkloads of dollars, Spanish pesetas and French francs all over the house.
In God we trust. All others pay cash.
Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
A bone or a clam are nicknames for what monetary denomination. Answer: The one dollar bill.
What Wall Street investment do traders call "007"? Answer: A bond.
I'd like to try day trading. I'd start by trading Mondays for Saturdays.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
When you lose money in the stock market, the bulls and bears are not so much to blame as the bum steers.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
Profits may be bad, but they meet the payroll better than losses.
Some people dream of success, while others wake up and work hard at it.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
If A equals success, then the formula is A equals X plus Y plus Z, where X is work, Y is play, Z is keep your mouth shut.
- Albert Einstein
I wanted to buy you an expensive birthday gift, but when I checked my chief lending institution I got a horrible shock! My cookie jar only had cookies in it.
Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back into the same box.
- Italian saying
Live as though you had a full cup - Not half full or half empty, but full and running over.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
Filthy, Stinking Rich - Well, two out of three ain't bad.
I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life."
Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
There are three kinds of people: There are the ones that learn by reading. There are the few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
Whoever gets the most money with the least work wins.
If you tell the truth, you’d better have one foot in the stirrup.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank
robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks,
"Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes, we have, your honor," The foreman responded.
"Would you please pass it to me," The judge declared, as he
motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from
the foreman and deliver it to him.
After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the
verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the
foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict
to the court."
"We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank
robbery." stated the foreman. The family and friends of the
defendant jump for joy at the verdict and hug each other as
they shout expressions of divine gratitude.
The man's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what
do you think about that?"
The defendant, with a bewildered look on his face turns to
his attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this
mean that I have to give all the money back?"
I'm Great at Pissing My Money Away.
Driver Carries NO CASH.
Wife and Kids have it all.
Never cosign a loan for nobody. It's easy for them to pocket the money and walk away with it. And even if you do, you still get no thanks.
There are 3 kinds of people. Those who make things happen; those who watch things happen; and those who wonder what the hell happened.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE .
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
Money... A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
Money... On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
building is an American flag.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m.,
flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down
because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a
food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said
they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated,
I hope life brings you much success.
I wish you a very happy day.
Return to the complete index of funny jokes.