Funny Quotes, Funny Sayings, Funny Lines
Funny Slogans, Funny Bumper Stickers
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Here come these funny quotes, funny sayings, funny lines, funny slogans, funny bumper stickers. Quotes, sayings, one-lines, slogans and bumper stickers like these are the history of today, the sociology of today and the psychology of today. Years from now, archeologists will study our quotes, sayings, funny lines, slogans and bumper stickers like cave art to find out who we were. And they'll be laughing their heads off.

Here are humorous, funny silly, sayings with attitude. What else can we call them? Funny quotes, funny slogans, one-liner jokes amd novelty bumper stickers that can be offensive, rude, crazy, sarcastic, insults, hilarious, weird, witty, catchy, and strange. Sayings with irony and crude, silly humor.

The Top 100 Funny Quotes, Sayings
Slogans, Bumper Stickers, One-Line Jokes

Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.


Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.


If You Drink, Don't Park; Accidents Cause People.


Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?


If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.


Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.


If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.


My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.


Thank You For Pot Smoking.


To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.


If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else ... And Seek Counseling.


Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".


If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.


Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.


It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.


If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.


You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.


The Earth Is Full --- Go Home.


I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.


This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.


So Many Pedestrians --- So Little Time.


Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.


If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?


The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.


Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.


Illiterate? Write For Help.


Honk If Anything Falls Off.


Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.


He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.


I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.


You! Out Of The Gene Pool!


I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.


Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand Basket?


It's Been Lovely, But I Have To Scream Now.


I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.


If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off. [Seen On The Back Of A Biker's Vest].


If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong.


Fight Crime --- Shoot Back!


If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over. [Seen upside Down, On A Jeep]


Remember Folks --- Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed For 70 mph.


Guys --- No Shirt, No Service; Gals --- No Shirt, No Charge. [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]


If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba the Hut?


Necrophillia --- That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.


Ax Me 'bout Ebonics.


Body By Nautilus --- Brain By Mattel.


Boldly Going Nowhere.


Cat --- The Other White Meat.


Caution --- Driver Legally Blonde!


Don't Be Sexist --- Broads Hate That.


Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.


Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.


How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?


If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.


Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.


Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!


I am the Evil Twin.


Yes, it's my truck, and NO, I won't help you move.


Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.


Stop Honking I'm trying to make a phone call.


Being a crabby bitch is just part of my charm.


Your boyfriend thinks I'm hot.


Dogs Come When Called, Cats Take a Message.


Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.


Beauty is only a few beers away.


Life is hard... It's even harder when you're stupid.


It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.


You looked better on myspace.


You! Off my planet, now !!


Join The Dark Side. We Have Cookies.


How about never ...Is never good for you?


DARE To Keep Your Cat Off Catnip.


This is NOT an abandoned vehicle.


A Boyfriend isn't just for Christmas.


MUHAHAHA


Eat Vegan, They're Tasty.


Die Yuppie Scum.


I'm Bi-Sexual. Whenever I Want Sex I Have To Buy It.


Your Proctologist Called... They Found Your Head.


Skinny Girls Are for Wimps.


What Would BUDDHA Do?


I'm single again :-)


I want a senstivie man, one who will cry when I leave him.


SORRY I Don't Date Outside My Species.


This bumper sticker is just hiding a dent.


I feel like a pelican. No matter which way I turn there's always a huge bill in front of me.


Save the Whales. Collect the Whole Set.


HONK if you love peace and quiet.


You Say "Bitch" Like It's a Bad Thing.


100,000 Sperm, & YOU were the Strongest Swimmer.


My MAC can beat up your PC.


Once you go MAC you'll never go back.


Hello... I'm a MAC.


We don't care what your honor student did.


Beauty is ... only a light switch away.


Put Your Big Girl Panties On.


On Your Mark, Get Set... GO AWAY !!


Save the ta tas !!


Will trade brother for video games.


Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.


Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

The Next 100 Funny Quotes, Sayings
Slogans, Bumper Stickers, One-Line Jokes

Spotted owl tastes like chicken.


I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.


If you stop and smell the roses - sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.


It's Never Too Late to Mutate.


Karaoke bars, where people who shouldn't drink meet people who shouldn't sing.


Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly.


Real Programmers Don't Document


Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."


The easiest way to get rich is to start your own religion.


You're so boring, if you threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back to you!


My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.


College students. We drink more beer before 9:00 a.m. than most people drink all day!


4 out of 5 voices in my head say Go For It!


Clear the road !! I'm SIXTEEN.


Cover me! I'm changing lanes.


Daddy Farted, and we Can't get out!!


Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?


Don't follow me. I'm lost too.


Driver carries no cash. He's married.


Heavily medicated for your protection.


Horn Broken Watch for Finger.


I'm Not Losing Hair, I'm Getting Head.


I am not a bum. My wife works!


I brake suddenly for tailgaters.


I love cats they taste like chicken.


If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane!


If I wanted to hear from an asshole I'd fart.


If you are not a hemorrhoid then get off my ass!


If you don't like my attitude, stop looking at my Stickers!


Invest in America. Buy a Congressman!


Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.


My other bumper sticker is funny.


My other car is a broom.


My other car is also a piece of junk.


Work harder!! Millions on welfare are depending on you.


YOU SAY I'M A BITCH LIKE IT'S A BAD THING.


Beat rush hour, leave work at noon.


I'm having Amnesia and Deja Vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before!


Say what you need to say.


Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.


Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.


Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.


If you can read this, I've lost the trailer.


Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.


If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.


Rehab is for quitters.


Jesus loves you, but I'm his favorite.


On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.


I fish, therefore I lie.


This bumper sticker intentionally left blank..


I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.


Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.


Out of my mind, back in five minutes.


My drinking team has a bowling problem.


Watch out for the idiot behind me.


Practice safe lunch. Use a condiment.


I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?


Avoid alliterations always.


God must love stupid people. He made SO many of them.


Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.


Keep the dream alive. Hit the snooze button.


My dog can lick anyone.


My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in most states.


Squirrels: Nature's speed bumps.


Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.


Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.


Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."


You know that the outhouse is in the right place if it seems too close in summer and too far in winter.


Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."


Ingredients as fresh as they were 27 years ago." — Slogan of the Biscuitville restaurant.


Shrimp with assroted vegetables." — Typo on a Chinese restaurant menu.


Those who cast the votes decide nothing; those who count the votes decide everything." -- Joseph Stalin


Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.


I fought the lawn, and the lawn won!


Life in a vacuum sucks.


You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless it was mailed.


Two wrongs are only the beginning.


You're only young once. You can be immature forever.


"Suicide Hotline...please hold."


All work and no play will make you a manager.


As I said before, I never repeat myself.


A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing..


Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.


Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up.


Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.


Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.


I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.


Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...?


hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?


Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.


ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!


A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.


Conserve energy... fart in a jar.


Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy.


I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.


I surf in tide pools.


A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I hope life brings you much success.
I wish you a very happy day.

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