Funny Retirement Jokes with Grandpa
We May Be Over the Hill
but We're Darn Well Not Under It
Welcome to my retirement jokes. We're all here to celebrate the start of my twenty-ninth year...again.
Another year gone by and it's obvious we'll never change. But why should we? We're perfect just the way we are.
Where did the year go? There were several family weddings; Cyndi was a very happy bride. It was an exciting year, what with the basement flooding, watching the paint dry on the house, playing with the grandkids and sorting my medicines into the seven day pill box.
Whether you're on a mission to find the perfect web site or just browsing through, I promise you will be greeted with friendly smiles and a cheerful bit of humor every time you stop in.
Happy Surfing! 
Grandpa
YOU KNOW YOU'RE OVER THE HILL WHEN.....
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
5. Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
6. You say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.
7. All you want for your birthday is not to be reminded of your age.
8. You step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
9. Your idea of weightlifting is standing up.
10. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
11. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
12. Getting "lucky" means you remember where you left your car in the parking lot.
13. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
14. It takes twice as long to look half as good.
15. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt -- doesn't work.
16. You sink your teeth into a steak -- and they stay there.
17. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
18. You have more hair in your ears and nose
than on your head.
Funny Retirement Wisdom
Things That Took Me 50 Years To Learn
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Sign in a department store: Wonderful bargain in shirts for men with sixteen and seventeen necks.
Consciousness:
that annoying time between naps.
If you haven't developed ulcers,
you're not carrying your share of the load.
The Worst Things Ever Said About Me!
He's such a poor driver the police gave him a season ticket.
The only reason so many people attended his funeral was they wanted to make sure he was dead.
Samuel Goldwyn, about Louis B. Mayer
"He took an IQ test and the results were negative."
It is well known that the older he grows, the faster he could run as a boy.
- Red Smith
"He stopped to think, and forgot to start again."
Games to Play in Retirement
1. Sag, You're It!
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy!
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear!
4. Kick the Bucket!
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over!
6. Doc, Doc, Goose!
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent!
8. Hide and Go Pee!
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta!
10. Musical Recliners!
Oldies But Goodies Jokes for Retirement
Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
Middle age is a time of life that a man first notices in his wife.
Richard Armour
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
- If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
- Old age ain't no place for sissies.
- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
- Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
- Middle age is that time when the broadness of the mind and the narrowness of the waist change places.
- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
- Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
- By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- If you can't be a good example, then... you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
Laugh Lines For Retirement
There was an old fellow of Lyme,
Who lived with three wives at one time,
When asked, "Why the third?"
He replied, "One's absurd,
And bigamy, sir, is a crime!"
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Y'know I wouldn't call you old...... I'd call you chronologically challenged!
We're at that stage in our lives when we are thinking more and more of the hereafter...
...Like when you go into a room and try to remember what you're here after!
When I die, I want to go just like my granddaddy, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like the passengers in his car.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.
No Fool Like An Old Fool
...Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
...Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
...A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
...Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
...You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
...You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
..."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today.
...An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
Age is important only if you're wine or cheese.
My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now
she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
A tombstone is about the only thing that can stand upright and lie on its face at the same time.
I've been declared a major federal disaster area.
No sense being pessimistic. Wouldn't work anyway.
Beer...Not just for breakfast anymore.
Funny Retirement Sing Along
Sing along to the tune of "My Favorite Things".
You remember... It's from "The Sound of Music"
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses,
Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy meals or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads, hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains and no fear of sinning,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinning,
More of the pleasures maturity brings-
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
I simply remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel... So Bad!"
I hope retirement brings you laughs and fun.
I wish you a very happy day.
>> Please Return to the Top.
More funny jokes and stories
The Magazine
Blogs, Podcasting
Share this page with someone, by Email, Twitter, Digg, StumbleUpon, and your favorite social site
When Can I Collect Social Security Benefits
How Much Does It Cost to Buy a Franchise Business
8 Places You Can Get Free Legal Music Downloads
Should I Rollover My 401k Retirement Account
12 Ways to Save Money on Car Insurance
How to Back Up Your Computer
How to Buy Stocks Online
3-Day Detox Diet Plan
What Kind of Small Business Should I Start
Should I Refinance My Home Mortgage
How to invest in silver.
Is an Annuity Insurance Retirement Plan best for you
Famous Modern Architects and Their Work.
How to Get More Work Done in Less Time
57 New Businesses You Can Start With No Money
Start a New Small Business
Should I Buy an Index Fund?
The Best Cell Phone Plan and the Best Cell Phone Service
Free Money for College
How You Can Get Customers Using Free Social Networks
How to Sell Like a Champion
Ten Sights to See in Washington D.C.
How to Pay for College
Sales Jokes and Advertising Jokes
ETFs, Exchange Traded Funds, are a Great Investment Strategy