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The Joke's On us
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Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
– Nora Ephron
"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate."
– Sigmund Freud
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
– Andrew A. Rooney
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
– Anne Tyler
"There are three faithful friends--an old wife, an old dog and ready money."
– Ben Franklin.
"I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog."
– Wendy Liebman
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Funny Dog Jokes
Funny Dog Pictures
Sparky is a Dog with a Funny Bone
Thanks for stopping in again. Sparky will be so happy! Sparky's Pages are dedicated to all the Search and Rescue Dogs, Police K-9's, Service Dogs, Working Dogs and all the sweet Furry Angels
lost and in need of love, shelter and humanity.
Sparky's motto: "No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the cat did it."
His advice: "If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise."
Sparky's wisdom: "Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."
Sparky is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
Sparky says: "They say the dog is man's best friend. I don't believe that. How many of your friends have you neutered?"
"Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes."
Talk to the Paw
 Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? Give up? Roll your mouse over the answer button.
Q: What do dogs and trees have in common?
Q: How did Sparky get up the tree?
Q. How did Sparky find Quasimodo?
Q: Which side of a dog has the most hair?
Q: Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Sue: My dog swallowed a tapeworm and died by inches.
Fay: That's nothing - my dog crawled up in my bed and died by the foot.
Kay: I can beat that. I had a dog that went out of the house and died by the yard.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
Redneck Dogs
You might be a redneck if... You take your dog for a walk and both use the same tree.
You might be a redneck if... You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog
Redneck moving tip: Don't Pack Dog and Cat in Same Box.
It might be a Redneck Church if... high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
It might be a Redneck Church if... "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
Phyllis Diller has a next door neighbor with an unusual dog. "Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, 'Attack!' And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks."
Excerpts from Sparky's Diary, Day Number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Sparky wants to know... Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you. But when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HelOOOooo," answered the blond, "they're watch dogs."
Shaggy Dog Story
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a
beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the
one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves
and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she
decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the
words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence
can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love
liver and cheese."
Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or
intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can
you do ?"
Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb
as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you,
little guy ?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is
the Taco Bell Chihuahua. (Named Chico !)
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and
the Lab and says .......
GET READY FOR THIS......
"Liver alone. Cheese mine." 
Famous Dog Quotes --- Ain't Nobody Doesn't Love a Dog
I went to an exclusive kennel club. It was very exclusive. There was a sign out front: "No Dogs Allowed."
--Phil Foster
He that lieth down with dogs, shall rise up with fleas.
--Ben Franklin
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
--Mark Twain
I have a great dog. She's half Lab, half pit bull. A good combination. Sure, she might bite off my leg, but she'll bring it back to me.
--Jimi Celeste
Don't make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans, or they'll treat us like dogs.
--Martha Scott
Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail. 
--Josh Billings
When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later.
--Erma Bombeck
Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls ...
--Phillis Diller
My advice to any diplomat who wants to have good press is to have two or three kids and a dog.
--Carl Rowan
They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let 'em bloat!
--David Letterman
I bought my grandmother a Seeing Eye dog. But he's a little sadistic. He does impressions of cars screeching to a halt. 
--Larry Amoros
I like driving around with my two dogs, especially on the freeways. I make them wear little hats so I can use the car-pool lanes.
--Monica Piper
It was a small town: Ferguson, Ohio. When you entered there was a big sign and it said, "Welcome to Ferguson. Beware of the Dog." The all-night drugstore closed at noon.
--Jackie Vernon
Keep running after a dog and he will never bite you.
--Francois Rabelais 1495-1583 French Humorist.
I am sir Oracle, and when I ope my lips, let no dog bark.
--Shakespeare.
About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
--Edgar Watson Houe 1853-1937 American Journalist.
To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
--Aldous Huxley 1894 English Novelist.
Man is a dog's ideal of what God should be.
--Holbrook Jackson 1874 English Journalist.
The more I see of the depressing stature of people, the more I admire my dogs.
--Alphonse de Lamartine 1790-1869 French Poet.
Revenge is often like biting a dog because the dog bit you. 
--Austin O’Malley 1858-1932 American Oculist.
Histories are more full of examples of the fidelity of dogs than of friends.
--Alexander Pope 1688-1744 English Poet.
Man is an animal that makes bargains; no other animal does this--no dog exchanges bones with another.
--Adam Smith 1723-1790 Scottish Politician and Economist.
If dogs could talk, perhaps we’d find it just as hard to get along with them as we do people.
--Karel Capek 1890-1938 Czech Journalist.
You never realize a dog is a man’s best friend until you start betting on horses.
Dumb dog. I bought a dog whistle. He won’t use it. 
Ladies and gentlemen are permitted to have friends in the kennel but not in the kitchen.
--George Bernard Shaw 1856 British Dramatist.
The more I see of men the more I like dogs.
--Madame de Stael 1766-1817 French social leader.
Heaven goes by favor; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
--Mark Twain.
When a man’s dog turns against him it is time for a wife to pack her trunk and go home to mama.
--Mark Twain.
A reasonable amount of fleas is good for a dog; it keeps him from brooding over being a dog.
--Edward Noyes Westcott 1846-1898 American Novelist.
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
--Ogden Nash
Both humans and dogs love to play well into adulthood, and individuals from both species occasionally display evidence of having a conscience.
--John Winokur, American Writer
Oh, what is the matter with poor Puggy-Wug?
Pet him and kiss him and give him a hug.
Run and fetch him a suitable drug.
Wrap him up tenderly all in a rug.
That is the way to cure Puggy-Wug.
--Winston Churchill, on his daughter Mary's pet pug.
I know that dogs are pack animals, but it is difficult to imagine a pack of standard poodles...and if there was such a thing as a pack of standard poodles, where would they rove to? Bloomingdale's?
--Yvonne Clifford, American actress
The great pleasure of a dog is that you make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, he will make a fool of himself too.
--Samuel Butler
The pug is living proof that God has a sense of humor.
--Margot Kaufman, American writer
My little dog -- a heartbeat at my feet.
--Edith Wharton.
She had no particular breed in mind, no unusual requirements. Except the special sense of mutual recognition that tells dog and human they have both come to the right place.
--Lloyd Alexander, American writer.
The poor dog, in life the firmest friend, "The first to welcome, foremost to defend."
--Lord Byron, an epitaph for his dog Boatswain.
Children and dogs are as necessary to the welfare of the country as Wall Street and the railroads.
--Harry S. Truman
God ... sat down for a moment when the dog was finished in order to watch it... and to know that it was good, that nothing was lacking, that it could not have been made better.
--Rainer Maria Rilke
If a dog's prayers were answered, bones would rain from the sky. 
--Old Proverb
A dog is like an eternal Peter Pan, a child who never grows old and who therefore is always available to love and be loved.
--Aaron Katcher, American Educator and Psychiatrist
She was such a beautiful and sweet creature... and so full of tricks.
--Queen Victoria.
Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend.
--Corey Ford, American writer
What kind of life a dog... acquires, I have sometimes tried to imagine by kneeling or lying full length on the ground and looking up. The world then becomes strangely incomplete: one sees little but legs.
--E.V. Lucas, English writer
Fifth Avenue is too expensive for anyone but dogs.
--Mel Finkelstein, Daily News
My dog can bark like a Congressman, fetch like an aide, beg like a press secretary, and play dead like a receptionist when the phone rings.
--Gerold Solomon, US Congressman
Here, Gentlemen, a dog teaches us a lesson in humanity.
--Napoleon Bonaparte
They never talk about themselves but listen to you while you talk about yourself, and keep up an appearance of being interested in the conversation.
--Jerome K. Jerome, English humorist
Not Carnegie, Vanderbilt and Astor together could have raised money enough to buy a quarter share in my little dog.
--Ernest Thompson Seton, American writer and naturalist.
Acquiring a dog may be the only opportunity a human ever has to choose a relative.
--Mordecai Siegal
Being patted is what it is all about. 
--Roger Caras.
The Saluki... is a marvel of elegance.
--Vita Sackville-West
A naked dog for a naked lady.
--Gypsy Rose Lee
Bulldogs are adorable, with faces like toads that have been sat on.
My hounds are bred out of the Spartan kind; So flew'd, so sanded; their heads are hung With ears that sweep away the morning dew...
--William Shakespeare, a Midsummer Night's Dream
Some dogs live for praise they look at you as if to say "Don't throw balls... just throw bouquets."
--Jhordis Anderson, American Painter
Sir, this is a unique dog. He does not live by tooth or fang. He respects the right of cats to be cats although he doesn't admire them. He turns his steps rather than disturb an earnest caterpillar. His greatest fear is that someone will point out a rabbit and suggest that he chase it. This is a dog of peace and tranquility.
--John Steinbeck
Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring -- it was peace.
--Milan Kundera
Why is it that my heart is so touched whenever I meet a dog lost in our noisy streets? Why do I feel such anguished pity when I see one of these creatures coming and going, sniffing everyone, frightened, despairing of even finding its master? 
--Emil Zola
They are better than human beings, because they know but do not tell.
--Emily Dickenson
In the late summer afternoon, when the teacups were cleared, and the family went inside... the dogs who are no longer under human command, find delight in the company of each other.
--Joe Dunnea, Irish Writer
The Airdale... an unrivaled mixture of brains, and clownish wit, the very ingredients one looks for in a spouse.
--Chip Brown, Connoisseur Magazine
His name is not wild dog anymore, but the first friend, because he will be our friend for always and always and always.
--Rudyard Kipling
I hope you have a very happy day.
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You're visiting Surfer Sam and Friends Online Magazine. We're dishing up funny jokes, famous quotes and sage advice. We've also got free ecards - Surfer Cards - for you to email. So enjoy yourself here. Chill out and relax. Meet the gang. And thanks for stopping by, mate.
Doggone funny dog jokes, funny dog pictures, and famous dog quotes. Sparky is a funny dog with his own web page. All kinds of free clean jokes and humor, clean funny pictures, famous quotations, friends, games, free horoscope, slide shows, free ecards, fun and some gnarly pages from Surfer Sam. Laugh a lot. Meet the gang. Life's a beach!
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