|
From The Outrageous Funny Story Files...
The Best Funny Short Stories
Retirement Holiday
Recently I was checking my 401k account and thinking about retirement. Then I saw an article about nursing homes and retirement homes and the expenses.
Suddenly it hit me. No nursing home for me! Here is my plan:
I'm checking into the Holiday Inn.
With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble.
I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long-term stay discount
and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast, lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. It also leaves enough for laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies.
Plus, I'll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer and dryer. I'll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And I'll be treated like a customer, not a patient.
Five dollars worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling.
There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus free on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere.
Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from the family. They will always be glad to visit you, and probably check in for a mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?
When I discussed my plan with friends, they came up with even more benefits that Holiday Inn provides retirees. Most standard rooms have coffee makers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV -- all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon. After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day.
Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends. Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free program. You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends.
Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you company as well.
If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, you'll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same. And if you're getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room -- your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7.
Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the feasibility of my plan. I'm happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate. We could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night!
So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin.
Just forward all your emails to the Holiday Inn!
Great to see you here.
I hope life brings you much success.
I wish you a very happy day.
>> Please Return to the Top.
| Put this info and link on your blog!
Just click, copy and paste.
|  |
|
Back to the Index of Best Funny Short Stories
Share this page with someone, by Email, Twitter, Digg, StumbleUpon, and your favorite social site
- How to Get Out of Credit Card Debt No matter how broke you are, there is a solution.
- Annuity Insurance Retirement Plan offers guaranteed monthly payments for life.
- Famous Doctors of Medicine eradicated disease and saved lives.
- LASIK Laser Eye Surgery. See the world without glasses or contact lenses.
- The Fastest Cars in the World. Super sports cars, exotic, fast and road-legal.
- Should I sign a prenuptial agreement When do I need a prenuptial agreement
- How to Treat Acne. The three best ways to treat acne.
- Am I Depressed? Help for Depression. Signs and symptoms, causes and cures, treatment.
- Make Money with the Best Stock Investments The ten best stocks so far this year.
- Small business Startup. Strategy and planning for your first business.
- Stock Investment with Warren Buffett. How to make money like a billionaire.
- Free Money for College. Claim your college cash.
- Free Affiliate Marketing Programs Make money online.
- Make a Legal Will with or without an attorney.
- How to Sell My House and Get the Most Money.
- ETF Exchange Traded Funds a great investment.
- How to Buy a Diamond Ring The Four Cs of Carat, Color, Clarity and Cut.
- Famous Writers and Their Work. American literature for all time.
- Start a New Small Business. Best new small business start-up ideas, planning and opportunities.
- How to Get Customers to Your Website. Free Ways to Market a Small Business
- Should I Buy Gold How to profit from the roaring gold boom.
- Free Diet Plans to Lose Weight Fast.
- Famous Baseball Players and Their Teams. Baseball stars become our heroes.
- Lose Weight with Super Foods. You need to read this.
- Get Free Ringtones. Personalize your cell phone.
- Find the Best Lawyer. Get the job done right.
- How Retirement Plans Work. Your best retirement savings strategy.
- Get Relief from Your Allergies. Allergies, their symptoms and relief.
- Free Home Foreclosure Help. You have options and legal rights.
- Home Staging Tips Sell Your House Fast. Attract more buyers and more money.
- What Do My Dreams Mean?
- Burn a Free Music CD. Burning is how you transfer data from the computer to the CD.
- Best Stock Picks of the Decade. Someone is making big money.
- Relief for Stress, Anxiety and Tension. Stress is the cause of illness and unhappiness.
- Digital Video Camera Camcorder. Buy and enjoy the best.
- Best Cell Phone Plans and Service. The best cell phone plan and service.
- Headache Cures and Relief. The causes of headaches and ways to soothe the pain.
- Do You Need a Business Corporation? Protect yourself and get a tax shelter.
- Stock Investment with Warren Buffett. How to make money like a billionaire.
- Become a Millionaire The 4-Hour Workweek.
- Make Money. Own a Franchise Business. Be your own boss and build equity.
- What is a Retirement Plan? What are 401k and Roth IRA Retirement Plans?
- Best Student Loans A Federal or Private Student Loan Pays for Your College Education
- Famous Photographers and Their Work Exploring the world in photos.
- Buy 500 Companies for $1,000. Guaranteed average returns with a low cost stock index mutual fund.
- Start Your Own New Small Business Opportunities are waiting!
- The Happiness Coach. Happiness can be learned, like tennis or handwriting.
|
|
Our Magazine
Blogs, Podcasting
