Funny Jokes for Women
Join us for Girls' Night Out. Funny jokes for women about love, relationships, dating, single life and marriage. Come along with us. It wouldn't be the same without you.
Love, Dating, Single Life and Marriage
It's Girls' Night Out
I read this article that said typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast.
Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
Skinny people piss me off!
Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat."
Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her Valium
with her birth control pills...
She had 14 kids, but she doesn't care.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't
all that chatty but the other day I asked it,
"Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?"
Clear as a bell my body said,
"Listen girlfriend...do it and you die."
The trouble with some women is that
they get all excited about nothing
and then they marry him.
I know what Victoria's Secret is.
The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
If men can run the world,
why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day
by tying a noose around your
Marriage changes passion...
suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
How long a minute is depends on
which side of the bathroom door you're on.
That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
There are two sides to every divorce...
Yours and Dummy's.
Every time I walk into a singles bar
I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up,
you don't know where it's been."
If you want breakfast in bed,
sleep in the kitchen
So many men,
so few who can afford me
Don't treat me any differently
than you would the queen
If they don't have chocolate in heaven,
I'm not going!!
My mother is a travel agent
for guilt trips.
One of life's mysteries is how
a two pound box of candy
a woman gain five pounds.
Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain
they are their own.
- Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)
I married beneath me. All women do.
- Nancy Lady Astor (1879-1964)
An archaeologist is
the best husband a woman can have.
The older she gets,
the more interested he is in her.
- Agatha Christie (1891-1976) who was married to one
One more drink and I'll be under the host.
- Dorothy Parker
I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
If you obey all the rules,
you miss all the fun.
- Katharine Hepburn
Never eat more than you can lift.
- Miss Piggy
He who waits for a roast duck to fly into his mouth must wait a very, very long time.
- Chinese Proverb
Objects Under This Shirt Are Larger Than They Appear
Next Mood Swing: Six Seconds
PMS Really Stands for Purchase More Shoes
Menopause, Menstrual Cramps, Mental Illness -
Have You Noticed That All of Our Problems Begin with Men?
Freedom of the Press Means No-Iron Clothes
Will Work for Liposuction
Scales Are for Fish, Not Women
The Signs of Menopause
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that
instead of buying a wood stove,
he is using you to heat the family room this winter.
Rather than just saying you are not amused,
you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes
with your kids' names on them.
4. You change your underwear
after every sneeze.
5. You're on so much estrogen
that you take your Brownie troop
on a field trip to Chippendales.
If a messy kitchen is a happy kitchen,
then my kitchen is delirious.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
If we are what we eat, then I am
easy, fast, and cheap!!
A balanced diet is
a cookie in each hand.
Thou shalt not weigh
more than thy
Blessed are they
who can laugh at themselves
for they shall never cease to be amused.
Behind every successful man is
a woman waiting for his job.
Where they tear out the trees
and then name streets after them.
Who are these children
and why are they calling me Mom?
Out of my way. My kid's got to pee.
Don't make me use my pepper spray, dork.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
I try to be nice one day at a time.
It will help pull the wrinkles from your face.
A woman without a man is like
a fish without a bicycle.
I'm a marvelous housekeeper.
Every time I leave a man,
I keep his house.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Marriage is a great institution,
but I'm not ready to be institutionalized yet.
- Mae West
A woman is like a tea bag.
You never know how strong it is
until it's in hot water.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Life is an endles struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
The greatest discovery of any generation is
that a human being can alter his life
by altering his attitude.
The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.
Today...I wish you a day of small miracles -
A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
Green traffic lights on your way home.
The fastest line at the grocery store.
Your keys right where you look.
A good sing-along song on the radio.
So long for now.....
I hope life brings you much success.
I wish you a very happy day.
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