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 A Great Lineup of
Funny Baseball Jokes and Quotes
Let's swing for the fence. Players names and team names can be changed to your favorites.
Funny Baseball Jokes
One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.
Smiling, the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance. I have Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here".
"Yes," snickered the devil, "but I have all the umpires."
Well, at least the Cubs are trying. They installed a new pitching machine the other day. Unfortunately it beat them 4-1.
A young lady arrived at her first baseball ballgame during the 5th inning. "The score is 0 to 0," she heard a nearby fan say. "Oh, good," she cooed to her boyfriend, "then we haven't missed a thing."
Did you hear the sad news? Tony Fernandez tried to kill himself the other day by jumping in front of a bus. Luckily it went right through his legs.
Greg Maddux just signed a 5 year, $57 million contract making him the highest paid player in baseball. He's so rich that he can now hire a designated scratcher.
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life,
she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
-Dave Barry said that
More and more stadiums are bringing back natural grass. They have to. All that tobacco juice is killing the Astroturf.
The other day was Take Your Daughter to Work day. The Cubs had a fun time, played a little scrimmage against their daughters. Unfortunately they lost, 15-3.
Two baseball fans are walking down a street in Hell when it begins to snow. One guy looks up at the snow and says, "Well, it finally happened. The Cubs just won the World Series."
Well, it's time for the All-Star game again. Or as the Tigers call it, baseball fantasy camp.
What do Jose Offerman and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both wear a glove for no apparent reason.
You might be a redneck if you think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are: "Play Ball"
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hotdog, and a Fenway Park hotdog?
You can buy a Yankee Stadium hotdog in October!
Well, the Marlins have made it to the World Series as you all know.
Miami hasn't been this excited since the invention of the hip replacement.
Why did the umpire throw the chicken out of the baseball game?
He suspected fowl play.
Breaking News !! More Baseball Jokes
The stock market really plummeted today, but luckily there is a computer chip that is used to turn off the board at the stock exchange if it gets too low.
The Royals have the same chip in their scoreboard.
Bumper sticker on Darryl Strawberry's car:
I SAID "NO" TO DRUGS, BUT THEY JUST WOULDN'T LISTEN.
TV ratings for the World Series were low this year. It was reported that both rating and share were half of what they were the last time the Mets played.
Why, you ask?
Who wants to watch New York playing with itself?
Yankees slugger Darryl Strawberry fouled a pitch off his foot and now has a crack in his big toe. This is the first time that the name Strawberry and the word crack were used in the same sentence without it ending with his suspension.
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him.
"I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game."
"When is that?"
"Right after the National Anthem."
Confucius say: Baseball very funny game. Man can walk on four balls.
According to one source, the Los Angeles Dodgers coined the term "high five." Outfielder Glenn Burke is credited with originating it in 1977.
Why does it get hot after a baseball game?
Because all the fans have left!
Why couldn't Cinderella get on the baseball team?
Because she ran away from the ball.
Pete Rose tried to join Gamblers Anonymous. They gave him two to one he wouldn't make it.
Why is a baseball game like a pancake?
Because they both depend on the batter.
Funny Baseball Jokes and Quotes
Asked the age of his two elderly pinch hitters Vie Davalillo and Manny Mota, Los Angeles manager Tommy Lasorda shrugged.
"I don't know, but somebody told me they were waiters at the last supper."
A reporter wanted to know where Alex Johnson's power surge came from.
"Last year, you hit two homers and this year you have seven. What's the difference?"
"Five," Johnson replied.
I do not think that winning is the most important thing. I think winning is the only thing.
-- Bill Veeck, President, Chicago White Sox, said that
Our pitching could be better than I think it will be.
-- Sparky Anderson said that
You give a hundred percent in the first half of the game, and if it isn't enough, in the second half you give what's left.
-- Yogi Berra said that
Age is mind over matter. If you don't mind, it don't matter.
-- Satchell Paige said that
The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
-- Dizzy Dean said that after he was hit by a ball
Fans, don't fail to miss tomorrow's game.
-- Dizzy Dean said that
I've found in life the more you practice, the better you get. If you want something enough and work hard to get it, your chances of success are greater.
-- Ted Williams, Baseball Hall of Famer, said that
Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."
Funny Baseball Jokes and Quotes ~ the Wrap Up
I'm still looking forward to a winning season.
Stay loose, keep your eye on the ball, and run out everything.
Are we just talking about baseball here?
Can't hurt to put a good face on things. And my face isn't too bad. As the girls in my daydreams describe me: smoldering good looks, pleasant, articulate, affable and charming, and burning my candle at both ends.
Did you get a couple of chuckles? I noodled around with this for hours last night and got zilch, zip, nada, a true mega brain-fade. But I brought all my rough notes to this project, seven pages of wrong turns and dead ends along the information superhighway.
Thanks, everybody, for looking in on us. ~ Nathan
Now that you've smiled, it's your turn to spread the laughs. Send this to someone you want to share some fun.
I hope life brings you much success.
I wish you a very happy day.
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