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Funny Jokes for Men
Love, Dating, Single Life and Marriage
It's Guys' Night Out
Men play the game for laughs. Funny jokes about single life, married life, pickup lines and funny last words. Men are born to be wild.
"Isn't there any other part of the matzo
you can eat?"
Marilyn Monroe said this, on being served matzo ball soup for the third time in a row.
If a pickpocket meets a holy man,
he will see only his pockets.
Trust is very important.
Without it you can't run a really big con.
What were we thinking?
Jokes for Funny Men
Beer. Not just for breakfast anymore.
Doing the devil's work.
Life is a cat and mouse game.
Running commentary.
Everybody's talking at me.
With therapy and medication
I learned to deal with it.
I've married a few women I shouldn't have,
but haven't we all?
Do unto others
as you think they may want to do unto you.
They call them dirt bikers
because that's what they eat.
I'm on the short list for the booby prize.
Inappropriate Jokes from Funny Men
There is no problem that can't be solved
by the use of high explosives.
I smile because you
are my brother...
I laugh because
there's nothing you
can do about it.
I'd rather be
in my garage!
There's nothing like a good dose of another woman
to make a man appreciate his wife.
A Man and His Truck,
It's a Beautiful Thing.
Homer! if I had known
there were loose women in Las Vegas,
I would never have let you go!
-Marge Simpson
There is no such thing as a tough kid.
If you boil them for several hours
they always come out tender.
Pick Up Lines from Funny Men
This gun's for hire.
You are a sick... bizarre... twisted... WACKO.
I like that in a person.
Women's intuition is the result of
millions of years of not thinking.
When was your last tetanus shot?
When you think of me,
think National Do Not Call Registry.
Trying to set up a win-win situation.
I Don't Need Kids,
I Married One.
Loud and Proud.
I may have offended you, but so what?
I want to be your hero.
Lounge Lizard.
Work with me on this.
I like you. You don't give a rat's rump either.
What's the difference between
beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are usually $1.29
and deer nuts are under a buck.
HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he answered.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he responded.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He replied,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."
FAMOUS LAST WORDS FROM Funny Men
Don't worry. I know what I'm doing.
Hit the switch and let's see if it works.
I read someplace that
if you wear rubber-soled shoes
you can't get shocked.
I've got the instructions right here in front of me.
What could go wrong?
There seems to be an extra wire.
I wonder what that's for?
Think of the money we're saving
by not hiring an electrician.
FAMOUS LAST WORDS From Funny Military Men
Just hang in there. It can't get any worse.
I dunno. Press the button and find out.
That's probably just thunder.
Pull the pin and count to what?
FAMOUS LAST WORDS FROM MEN HIKERS
They look like mushrooms to me.
No one's seen a bear in these parts in years.
We should be able to cross here.
The water doesn't look too deep.
Let's split up.
We'll cover more ground.
They never attack humans.
Trust me. I know what I'm doing.
It's probably just a rash.
So, you're a cannibal.
FAMOUS LAST WORDS FROM URBAN WARRIORS
Also Funny Men
I'm making a citizen's arrest.
I've seen this done on TV.
I'm the best there is
when it comes to driving on ice and snow.
This tastes funny.
Nice doggie.
That's odd.
Watch this.
Trash Talk from Funny Men
If you want to get a sure crop
with a big yield,
sow wild oats.
Driver Carries NO CASH.
Wife and Kids have it all.
I wanted to be born again but
Mom said no.
Sign seen at a loan company:
"Now you can borrow enough money
to get completely out of debt."
Byte Me
Question: Where do feet live?
Answer: In the foothills.
My Insignificant Others
They say you learn the most
from
your most difficult experiences.
What a stupid system.
My Sidekick, My Buddy, My Partner in Crime.
I Wasn't Myself
But Whoever I Was
Is Really Sorry.
So Many Women,
None As Good As Mine.
Hang Up and Drive
Financial Whiz.
I'm Great at Pissing My Money Away.
Driver Carries Only $20 in Ammunition.
Jokes from Funny Men
If you're smoking in here,
You'd better be on fire.
Missing
Wife, Car and Golf Clubs.
Reward for Golf Clubs.
If you know where it's going.
it's not worth doing.
Armaments,
Universal Debt,
and Planned Obsolescence--
Those are the three pillars of Western prosperity.
- Aldous Huxley
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt
with "Guess" on it.
I said, "Thyroid problem?"
I couldn't warm to him even if
I was cremated next to him.
One should forgive one's enemies,
but not before they are hanged.
- Heinrich Heine
She not only kept her figure,
she's added so much to it.
Life is a cement trampoline.
He would sell you
a rat's asshole for a wedding ring.
Life Is A Gentle Madness With Funny Men
I no longer need to punish,
deceive or compromise myself.
Unless, of
course, I want to stay employed.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome
as a solution to the problem.
As I let go of my feelings of guilt,
I can get in touch with my Inner
Sociopath.
I have the power
to channel my imagination
into ever-soaring levels
of
suspicion and paranoia.
Today, I will gladly share
my experience and advice,
for there are no
sweeter words than
"I told you so."
I need not suffer in silence
while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets
of the people around me,
they reward me on many occasions
with hush money.
I assume full responsibility for my actions,
except the ones that are
someone else's fault.
I honor my personality flaws,
for without them I would have
no personality at all.
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
When someone hurts me,
forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit,
but not nearly as gratifying.
As I learn to trust the universe,
I no longer need to carry a gun.
Just for today, I will not
sit in my living room all day watching TV.
Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
Who can I blame for my own problems?
Give me just a minute... I'll find
someone.
Why should I waste my time
reliving the past
when I can spend it
worrying about the future?
I will find humor in my everyday life
by looking for people I can laugh at.
I am willing to make the mistakes
if someone else is willing to learn from
them.
Q: What's that you've got in your pocket?
A: Uh, golf balls.
Q: Oh, does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?
Build in some slack, Jack.
Money comes and goes. Time just goes.
The future's so bright,
I gotta wear shades
So long for now..... Over and out.
I hope life brings you much success.
I wish you a very happy day.
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