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 What Charlie Sheen Said
Funny Quotes from Charlie
Inimitable, Outspoken, Unedited
When Charlie Sheen is on the spot, he's never at a loss for words. Here's a man who says what he thinks, regardless of the fallout. These are some of his inimitable sayings, unedited and unrehearsed.
"Apocalypse Now will teach you how to live inside of a moment between a moment."
"Hey kids. Your Dad's a rockstar."
"The only thing I'm addicted to right now is winning."
"Why give an interview when you can leave a warning?"
"I'm rolling out magic, bro."
"Adonis DNA."
"Everything. Next question."
"Get a job, anyone?"
"My conduct is bitchin'."
"Winning. Everyday."
"Dying is for fools. Amateurs."
"I've got tiger blood and Adonis DNA."
"It's funny how sheep rhymes with sleep."
"Let's talk about something exciting. Me."
"I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total, bitchin' rock star from Mars."
"Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."
"That was the America I was raised in."
"You've been warned dude. Bring it."
"Sorry, Middle America."
"I'm just giving them what I guess they want, I just don't know if they can handle it. Pussies."
"My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math."
"I don't think people are ready for the message I'm delivering."
"I take great umbrage with that."
"I am grandiose. Because I live a grandiose life."
"I'm an F-18, bro."
"You can't process me with a normal brain."
"Change your brain."
"Bring me a challenge. Somebody."
"I use a blender. I use a vacuum cleaner."
"I'm so tired of pretending my life isn't perfect and bitchin'."
"Here's your first pee test. The next one goes in your mouth. No, you won't get high."
"I dare you to keep up with me."
"There's a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins."
"If you're a part of my family, I will love you violently."
"You should have read the directions before you showed up at the party."
"If you can bring me a souvenir from that moment when your father locked you in the closet, then bring it to me."
"Work fuels the soul."
"Bull S-H-I-T."
"I have a different constitution."
"I literally woke up and it was Christmas."
"When I'm fighting a war there's no room for sensitivity."
"Who wants to deal with all the small talk?"
"I'm just going to sail across the winds of the universe with my goddesses."
"Faith is for winners. Hope is for losers."
"Clearly he didn't bring gum for everyone."
"Let's hook up and just bring fiery death."
"This is me not on drugs, bro."
"Imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists."
"I guess I'm just that goddamn bitchin'."
"I am grandiose. Because I live a grandiose life."
"I'm bi-winning. I win here, and I win there."
"Gnarly gnarlingtons."
"Park your nonsense."
"I'm 45, I've got five kids, and I've been dumped on for too long."
"We're shaking the tree. We're shaking all the trees."
"I’m a grandiose life, and I’m embracing it."
"Bi-polar? The Earth is bi-polar."
"I may forget about them tomorrow, but they'll live with that memory for the rest of their lives. And that's a gift."
"I've got magic. I've got poetry at my fingertips."
"I embarrassed him in front of his children and the world."
"Mistook this rockstar, bro."
"I've been a veteran of the unspeakable."
"Pure and complete gnarly-isms."
"Get over here and enjoy the ride, bro. We're starting to win."
"Rock bottom? That's a fishing term."
"Drug tests don't lie."
"I don't understand what I did wrong except live a life that everyone is jealous of."
"Celebrate this movement."
"We're Vatican assassins. How complicated can it be?"
"Really dude? Really?"
"Watch me bury you."
"WINNING."
"They picked a fight with a warlock."
"Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words."
"Your perimeter's been breached. You got work to do, bro."
"You borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like 'Dude, can't handle it. Unplug this bastard.'"
"Quit hiding dude. It's embarrassing. Next subject."
"Sorry man, didn't make the rules."
"Sorry my life is so much more bitchin' than yours. I planned it that way."
"What's not to love?"
"Good luck on your travels. You're going to need it. Badly."
"I've spent close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold."
"I have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a seven-year-old."
"Women are not to be hit. They are to be hugged and caressed."
"We need his wisdom and his bitchin'-ness."
"I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen."
"We work for the pope."
"Just sit back and enjoy the show."
"Basically they strapped on their diapers."
"I was banging seven gram rocks and finishing them. Because that's how I roll."
"What's the cure? Medicine?"
"The scoreboard doesn't lie. Never has."
"I have one speed. I have one gear. Go."
"As I said, 'The first one's free. The next one goes in yo mouth.'"
"Vintage balderdash."
"I'm done. It's on. Bring it."
"Surprise. That's what winners do."
"The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger and Richards look like droopy-eyed armless children."
"She was attacking me with a small fork."
"What was she doing with a shrimp fork in her purse?"
"We're on a rocket ship to the moon some nights."
"I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain."
"Come on bro, I won best picture at 20."
"Watch me bury you."
"I'm going to win every moment."
"I look at the game of baseball and I'm reminded of a quote that I wrote."
"They can’t hang with me. Their bones would melt like wax."
"Everybody has a black belt and carries a gun. I don't mess with people."
"There are parts of me that are Dennis Hopper."
"I'm an exciting client."
"I don't know, winning, anyone? Rhymes with winning? Anyone? Yeah, that would be us."
"Look at these sad trolls."
"This contaminated little maggot can't handle my power."
"I don't sleep. I wait."
"Duh, WINNING."
"The last time I used? What do you mean? I used my toaster this morning."
"It's been a tsunami. And I've been riding it on a mercury surfboard."
"Where there were four, there are now three."
"I'm still alive, which is pretty cool."
"It's a war. And it's on."
"Thought you were messing with one dude? Sorry."
"I am special, and I will never be one of you."
"Can I have one part of my life that isn't TMZ'd up the butt?"
"Damn, I didn't take care of myself. Again."
"I'm on a quest to claim absolute victory on every front."
"It might be lonely up here but I sure like the view."
"It's a three-letter word. It rhymes with why."
"This guy's got more notches on his belt than Black Bart."
"Wow. What does that mean."
"Can't is the cancer of happen."
"Resentments are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my sabre."
"Don't live in the middle."
"My motto now is you either love or you hate and you must do so violently."
"Rhymes with winning? That would be us. Sorry, Man, didn't make the rules."
"We are high priest Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom! Print that, people!"
"Most of the time, and this includes naps, I'm an F-18, bro, and I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordnance to the ground."
"Look what I'm dealing with, man. I'm dealing with fools and trolls. It's just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee."
"I'm so tired of pretending that my life isn't perfect and bitchin' and winning every second and I'm not perfect and bitchin' and just delivering the goods at every frickin' turn."
"I got magic and I got poetry at my fingertips."
"I don't live in the middle anymore. that's where you get slaughtered. That's where you get embarrassed in front of the prom queen."
"People say, 'You have to work through your resentments.' Yeah, no, I'm gonna hang on to them and they're gonna fuelmy attach."
"You have to hate everyone who is not in your family because they are there to destroy your family."
"They lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and they say, 'I can't process it!'"
"I've got a different brain. I've got a different heart. I've got tiger blood, man."
"I'm fine - I have a plan."
I hope life brings you much success.
I wish you a very happy day.
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What Charlie Sheen Said
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